Sometimes I think that the only qualification that puts me in front of an audience rather than in the audience when I’m speaking at conferences is faith. Faith that I belong there. Faith that I actually have something to say. Faith that the organizers knew what they were doing when they hired me. And somehow I continue to be asked to speak in front of more and more audiences. I now have over 80 conferences under my belt and within the next 6 months, that will go into the triple digits. In fact, I speak at so many conferences these days that I had to stop consulting (about a year ago or so) and focus on speaking. I couldn’t do both at the pace I was going.
And so it happens that after 80 conferences or so, one gains enough faith that he or she can confidently say, “I’m worth it.” But this state is so very fragile. Times change and it only takes a couple of talks with mixed or negative reviews before I’m saying, “Man, I suck. I don’t deserve to be here.” And it seems that just when I think I’ll be okay, I get a call from my speaking agent that the conference organizers didn’t like my talk with a list of all the things I need to change about myself and my message to be likeable.
And it’s not just speaking careers. Some of the smartest people I know have approached me confidentially to ask what I’m doing right, confessing to me that they are struggling with money and work and negative feedback. These are men and women I believe are 100x smarter and more resourceful than I am. They ask for my advice. Mine! Meanwhile I’m standing in front of my mirror telling myself that I’m good enough, smart enough and dammit, people like me with enough conviction to keep going.
Faith. It’s a tough one when discouragement is so plentiful. There is always someone to tell you how wrong you are or how you aren’t living in the real world. Not to mention the number of rewards there are for people for taking conventional paths. Some days I wonder if it’s a test to see if I’m strong enough. Most of the time I channel Jane McGonigal‘s work and imagine I’m in a video game and these are merely demons I must battle to get to the next level. If I can just find the potion to summon the super ego booster strength, I can vanquish the doubt-monster and level up! And it works.
I envy those people who were born with a strong sense of entitlement and skin as thick as a castle wall. If only I could find the magic golden gonads, I’d win the game. But I suppose the challenges and setbacks are all part of the learning and growth and if everyone loved me and my message, I would have to worry about being obsolete. The journey is as interesting as the destination at the end of the day.
So if you find yourself discouraged by others while on your path, it just means that you’ve chosen to live a life extraordinary. There is no map and no guidebook for where you are going and, well, you may very well be headed in the wrong direction…but it’s a direction that comes from your soul, so it’s worthy. Have faith. It helps me keep mine.
The “strong sense of entitlement and skin as thick as a castle wall” don’t exist. We all just find ways of compensating for attacks and discouragement. It hurts everyone, but not all show it.
I hear you about faith, I think this is an issue I struggle with consistently. With myself it’s more “Am I only here because I am a female? Is everyone secretly laughing inside at my efforts?” I constantly have to take that step of faith and tell myself “No, you’re here because you have interesting opinions, and everyone is just as afraid of holding their own as you are.”
This was a great post, keep up the faith because I know you’re awesome and a lot of people seem to agree with me.
One of the things my dad taught me that always stays with me is to never put myself down. Everybody else, he said, can do that. You’re the only one you can count on to believe in yourself, so you can never get down on yourself.
Other people matter, but when it comes to you, you decide what is best for you and your loved ones first, and you find fulfillment in what you choose to. How everyone else perceives it and reacts to it isn’t relevant.
You were just at TED, where some of the talks were from people with obscure, crazy interests. The woman who researches spider silk knows that she’s got a dorky job, but damned if she didn’t love the hell out of it.
Sara, I think I agree about the nonexistence of the imagined entitlement/thick skin. If anyone has that, it’s Tara, and Tara claims not to have it
FWIW, I’m no .NET expert, but I’d still think you were awesome if you were a dude. The fact that you happen to be a female is just icing. Actually, where’s your brother at? He’s probably awesome, right?
Brilliant and well-put!
This is something which I feel so many of us, women and men alike, struggle with every day. Knowing you’re on the right path and going with your gut instinct are often two notions which are at complete odds with each other.
There is an ancient saying from the Viking mythology which states, “life is struggle.” I can think of no better summary than that. Myself and countless others look up to you for your work, your accomplishments and your “joie de vivre.” I think you’re a very special person and you should never doubt yourself, but alas; I’m on the outside of that statement.
Good luck with your search for the golden gonads.
@Tony Thank you, and he is super awesome.
Also – F spell check for replacing constantly with consistently and F 2nd grade for never teaching me to spell it correctly.
@Sara — sadly, I would say the sense of entitlement IS there for too many speakers (& in other fields) Its one of the problems with the industry. People who think they are a guru and a gift to the audience kill the positive vibe that gets going when true experts (like Tara) speak. We need more authentic speakers and fewer gurus
I think you are absolutely right if you say that challenges and setbacks are all part of the learning and growth. And indeed if everyone completely agrees with you, what is the point.
I just read another post that said something in the line of “by the time I get to say I told you so, it all will be so mainstream that is does not matter anymore”.
It is all about timing and context. And feeling insecure at times is just part of it. Because we can never know if it is the absolute truth.
But as long as we feel a strong need to do what we have to do, it is just worth it I guess.
Faith is only powerful when supported by great doubt. Doubt is the price you pay for faith, the bigger the doubt, the bigger the faith required….
The doubt part is what keeps us honest in our quests and is probably at the roots of why faith works as the bridge that helps us close the gap created by our fears…
Great post Tara…
The thing that is so appealing and unique about your message is that you are a real person. One who *does not* feel entitled, but who has *earned*.
You have *earned the right* to hold your head up high.
When you get negative reviews/feedback, and if you deeply *do not* believe they are actually right: it is my best guess that you are finding people who’s fundamental world views do not resonate with yours.
This is very common now, I am finding, as we transition from industrial era paradigms to many-to-many era paradigms. People ask me to create business plans, architectures, processes to be used in real world problem solving. When those people believe that I will present some new twist on the industrial era paradigm. When I do not, I get lots of negative feedback. Those who resonate with many-to-many world-view will rate/review the same basic concepts as very valuable. Douglas Rushkoff reported similar experiences in his work (get back in the box and Coercion).
This current time period is going to be, at times, tough for those of us who do not get in line with industrial/mass culture ways of meeting problems.
I had the feeling I wasn’t worth it a while ago. I just graduated college and was looking for job opportunities doing what I like, rather than what my degree says I can do. I was looking for jobs and couldn’t find one, I felt broken hearted after each negative response and then a phone call asking me to join a team developing a whole on-line strategy came and I started to believe in me again, it helped me reassure that what I knew was valuable.
I think I got all this negative answers and was about to give up because I want to change lot’s of things and business people seemed to be scared of it. But when I talk to people about it they all agree with me. This may mean I’m on the correct path.
Very inspiring post. I’ll have lot’s of faith in me, because I know that every human has the power to achieve anything they want.
Reading your post on Faith today and Erica’s post on Fear of Success (http://reinventingerica.com/2010/02/05/reinventingerica-com-day-29-of-90/) yesterday is the double whammy I needed to hear. Why is it that we are often our own worst enemies? And why is it so hard to let the praise from others about ourselves drown out those negative self-sabotaging doubts we hear in our own heads?
Faith…something I can so easily have in others, but is a struggle to show towards myself. You truly are an inspiration to me. I admire you for chasing your dreams and making them a reality. I have faith in you!
As George Michael says, “I guess I gotta have Faith…”
I really love this post. I remember how sending out a newsletter in December I got 8 immediate unsubscribes. Yet, I had thought it was my best newsletter ever. Whats worse it was the one I had dilligently crafted. I was so hurt & humbled that I even contacted one unsubscriber asking for the reasons in order to improve my content. I did not get a reply.
Jumped off a cliff a few months ago to leave my director job and try to start my own company. This type of question plagues me. Who was I to…? And, What the hell were you…? And it all comes down to faith, which I confess I am sometimes searching under couch cushions to find.
Great post. Found your blog through 100 Best Blogs. Now bookmarked. Thank you.