I decided to sit down and record my trepidation/enthusiasm for being a 36 year-old woman in this changing, odd world of gender. Tell me if you relate, disagree or have something to add.
_____
ADDED NOTE: The point here isn’t to flatter me (have received the ‘you have nothing to worry about’ comments from many men) – I say right in the video I feel like I look young and attractive – the point here is that ‘middle-age’ is a truly liminal, odd place to be…ESPECIALLY as a single, accomplished woman. It feels like it’s between REAL ages and not an age in itself (a time to be celebrated). It IS a time to be celebrated, but it’s also a transition. Something between being young and irresponsible (self-focused, feeling invincible, etc.) and older and reflective (looking back, realizing mistakes, settling down, etc.). I also didn’t get deep into this, but there is a serious double-standard when it comes to what is expected of a single woman my age. We need to look like we’re in our 20′s and not be too successful as not to compete with men our age. I just don’t think men have the same pressure looks wise (I’ve seen overweight bald men who have power get all the babes – but an overweight unattractive woman with power is not equally lusted after).
36 is actually a pretty good age, I’m finding out. Old enough to be wise, young enough to still be dumb, sometimes. And now, I find myself able to take naps in the afternoon. A GIFT!
Now that’s honesty! Great job on getting all those thoughts into the video. I think many women will be able to relate… I wonder what the reaction will be from the men? I think there are some gems in there for them too.
Tara:
We’ve known each other a long time, and I thought that was a great tape. (Were you tipsy or did you have a cold when you made it?)
Anyway I thought my 30s were the best decade (I’m 60 and still think I’m young, but my body insists on aging.) of all!
OK, about this dating issue with guys … are you doing social dumpster diving again? What kind of male chauvinist pigs are you going for? Didn’t we have that talk about not dating things you find under rocks?
OK, resuming radio silence…
Wow – you expressed very well what I was talking about this weekend. I am 48 and completely relate to everything you said! Thanks for putting this out there and being so honest.
As I said this weekend, in some ways it is easier to be an attractive 48 year old woman because I look after myself and because I understand how to dress my body. But it takes TIME. And money. And why do I care so much? Why does it matter?
Career success, life satisfaction, dating … things that I am struggling with. I am making a major career shift … again … and I keep feeling like this one represents failure except I know that it does not. But it ‘looks’ like failure in many ways. Again, why do I care how it looks?
Love your blog. Loved your book (recommended it to my seat mate on the plane last night).
Keep writing so that we don’t feel so alone!
@gabe
Glad you are enjoying it. So am I…though I feel misplaced – especially in the dating realm. Would be curious to hear from you how it translates from a male perspective (I would imagine differently). Naps are a gift, though.
@susie
@mike
I was not tipsy at all making this. I may have a bit of a cold (more like leftover allergies – another bonus from getting older).
@karen
Yay! Glad you could relate. I know that me looking young will help my career. Total double standard methinks.
Hmm. I have had men tell me I am “too successful” for them, as well. I think the disconnect occurred for me when I was going after the less successful men instead of being confident enough to go after the hottest/most awesome/most successful ones in the room.
I was selling myself short when I went after the unsuccessful guys. The most awesome guy in the room can easily be wowed by your amazing beauty and talent, and would never say you are “too successful”; you just have to be confident enough to approach him as an equal.
-Erica
Hey,
I agree. At 35, I sometimes feel quite old, but then I flip to feeling quite vibrant.
The most stressful part is the feeling that maybe time is flying too fast. I’m still young! I don’t mentally feel like I should have kids or spend more time thinking retirement or be soooo accomplished that I have a second house somewhere. And yet I sometimes feel like society expects me to be there. And then the guilt hits that I’m letting time flow by and I’m not taking full advantage.
At work, I’m still in the set of younger employees (work at a big co where many coworkers have 20+ yrs tenure), but people are starting to move me into the “older” age bracket as we talk about target markets.
I’ve always been bashful and a homebody, but I’m trying to get out more now so I don’t spend too much time on this in my head. Halloween night I went out “late” – left @10 to watch my younger brother play in his rock band. I hadn’t felt great all day and just went in the jeans & comfy sweatshirt I’d hung out in during the day. Surrounded by 20yo’s in mini-mini’s and knee-highs, I felt the total frump.
So, enough of my ranting – I can totally relate and appreciate your post, because I’m there. Let me know if you come upon any epiphanies. Maybe we could share.
I’ve heard the two sections of life that you described in this way: in the first part of your life, you seek to prove yourself. In the latter half, you seek to understand yourself.
The age at which this begins varies, often around 35, but it is a stage that many, if not most, people go through. Sounds to me like you are in this transition now.
- Matt H
- Didn’t transition until 44
@matt Thats a good way of putting it. I think thats right. And I almost feel sorry for people who are trying so hard to prove themselves without understanding themselves. Its the arrogance of age, I know
@tara on being single/dating – it is totally different at our age, especially for me since I have two relatively young kids. Though tis nice to have that wisdom and perspective I mentioned above… really helps. Personally I don’t have that issue with dating a more successful woman – I’d be happy to date the president of the US if she were a she…
That sounded kinda funny – there are a lot of more successful women than I – being president of the US wouldn’t be the *only* “more successful” role than me, by a long shot.
I’m at work, so haven’t watched it yet (will save that for home), but Matt’s comment really hits it on the nail for me.
To be honest, I’m starting to find it really difficult at 38 and single. All the other guys my age seem to have families and children whereas the younger set seem to be still into the partying and drinking, or else working through their ambition 24/7. Moving cities a few times in recent years hasn’t helped with finding a set of people who are more into conversations over dinner and the like.
However … in terms of feeling comfortable in my own skin, I think I’ve really come a long way. Although I don’t feel complete, I’m happier and healthier than I’ve ever been. I think the key is to focus on the direction rather than the goal (being me that means taking multiple paths at once, some peter out but there’s always another that’s broadening so it doesn’t really matter
I can’t help but feel exactly the same way.
Doesn’t it seem sometimes like everyone else is living a more successful, happy and glamourous life, at least if you go by celebrity magazines and some people’s tweets and facebook status updates?
The generational thing: Totally understand. If you work somewhere where the people in charge are pre-home computer era, you will always be seen as the ‘young’ whiz-kid who understands the InterTubes and how the Microsoft Office Ribbon works.
*And* you’re just old enough to be taken aback at the shocking youth of everyone who works in retail / on TV / running for political office. “Who _are_ you kids? I’m old enough to be your dad! Why aren’t you in 3rd period homeroom?”
Men may not admit it, but at this age (38, for me) we feel exactly the same pressures…We have to be as attractive as the fresh-faced 20somethings (with their ridiculously fast metabolisms), and as successful and powerful as the 60something Boomers we work for. Surely there is a quantum-physical impossibility here.
Every year there’s some new study that shows that 6′+ tall men with symmetrical features, a full head of hair and abs of steel make more money / get promoted more often / are more shagalicious / etc. (See, it’s been SCIENTIFICALLY proven that… attractive people are attractive!)
So we too buy potions and balms and haircuts and BMX trick grooming devices, spend more on quality clothes that fit better and convey some sort of authority… investing in exercise machines and feeling guilty for not making time to use them, which makes us snack more, which becomes a self-perpetuating cycle.
External pressures can be ignored, I suppose. Internal insecurities are harder to silence… I can’t speak for others, but it’s certainly why I compulsively drink a little too fast at public gatherings.
As for dating – yes, find an equal, but as you say, embrace the chaos. Maybe it’s not a perfect equal who’s as “successful” – whatever that means — but someone that brings balance and happiness to your life that counts.
(Ruling out total losers, upon which we can agree
Vera and I aren’t “perfect equals.” We don’t travel in the same circles (although English Montreal is small enough for there to be overlaps), we’re not in the same field, and if it hadn’t been for OKCupid we might never have met. We’re each “successful” (GAH i hate that word) in our own ways but not in a power-couple kind of way, nor would we want to be. But we work at supporting each other’s life goals and have a lot of fun together…what more can one ask for, I suppose?
Man, aging sucks! I’m 34 and definitely feeling many of the same things that you are talking about here (although I’m married and have no kids). This in between age is really weird. But one of the hardest things for me is that no matter how uncomfortable it feels, or how uncertain I am about my … maturing … looks, I know that they will NEVER BE BETTER THAN THIS! (likely)
And yes – the magazines are such a nightmare in many ways. And don’t even get me started about the “aging stars” and “super models” who they show in the face cream commercials who are have so many “signs of aging.”
Thanks for putting this out there. You’re definitely not alone. And now I know that neither am I.
What a spot on video. Granted I can’t completely empathize with you – since I am a guy – I think there is a heaps of universality in what you said. I’m a soon to be 35 year old with a son and feel the same displacement so I am guessing it is partly generational (we are the sandwich generation afterall) and partly transitional. In the end it’s a really interesting time to be finding our way, making our mark, leaving a legacy and hopefully having a bit of fun in the process. I think what will separate the best from the rest is taking the time, as Matt pointed out, to get to know ourselves and proceed based on that knowledge and the rest of our experiences. With regard to your comment about guys your age not being interested or being intimidated by smart, strong, successful women, I’d suggest that you are probably talking to the wrong ones. I for one would get bored if the women in my life were any other way. Physical appearances are only a fleeting facade, intelligence, humor and personality keep a woman interesting (and timeless). I’m glad you took time to share your thoughts (and perhaps insecurities). It’s good to know that others are in a similar place in their lives.
Oh yeah, while your at it…could you please turn the music down? I’m trying to get some sleep.
Wow – having watched it now, I don’t know where to start. You cover a few distinct themes:
1. The generation gap (the sandwich between the 40+ and the rising 20s) – perhaps we’re really the Janus Generation, doomed to look both ways, presenting different faces to the generations on each side of us. Will it disappear in our next decade? Would we want it to?
2. The expectations of image and the demands it places on both budget and self-image – clothes are definitely a common thing between men and women (though I recall discussing this once with a manager and she and I reached the conclusion that women were better catered to in that respect as women’s suits are comparatively cheaper than the equivalent quality men’s suits – though that might just be a NZ thing)
3. How the metabolism changes and aging becomes more visible – or is it that we change the sorts of activities that we spend time on? I noticed that when I went teaching for a few years the walking around the classroom all the time and seldom sitting down made a huge difference to my health – for the better – and its one thing I miss now that I’m working in an office sitting at my desk in front of a PC for a good part of the day. Perhaps.
4. Dating for successful women. I think the hardest part of dating in one’s 30s is that one is more entrenched in one’s ways than when one was younger – compromise gets harder if you’ve been accustomed to doing your own thing for any length of time. This might explain the success thing youve encountered – perhaps they feel that they might have to break their habits too much to accommodate you? Doesn’t justify it, though. Who knows. Personally I think that men tend to fall into two groups – those that become more selfish with age, and those who become less so. (A tautolgy – but I had to say it.)
Interesting predicament, Tara, but please remember that the women you see on/in magazines don’t look quite like that IRL, and when you see them on film/video, they have had the benefit of a long session with a makeup artist.
Interesting predicament, Tara, but please remember that the women you see on/in magazines don’t look quite like that IRL, and when you see them on film/video, they have had the benefit of a long session with a makeup artist.
Sorry… forgot to say great post – can’t wait to read your next one!
You have a job and probably a morgage, that = needing some sleep, reality! So youre in your prime! 35 to 90 rules.
)
Yet, You havent yet reached that great sweetspot when you dont care what your neighbours think, or anyone else for that matter.
When I was in my early thirties, I would walk into a room and say, ” what do these people think of me”, Now I walk into a room and say ” what do i think of these people”.
Beauty and sexiness really does come from within. Enjoy where you are girl, its only going to get better.
Thank God some men see you as a cougar and say you’re not for them. Timewasters,who needs them? Don’t look at age, look at soul, I’ve been where you are, Start glorying in your strength and a worthy man will show up. See ya soon.
Thank you for being so honest and posting that! With so many friends around me married, getting married, having children, settling down, etc. I sometimes feel like I’m the only one who feels the same way as you do. I am finding it increasingly harder to find women I can relate to. It actually makes me sad to see that on the one hand, women have come so far, and on the other, we’re still relegated to conventional roles and ideas. We don’t need a man to take care of us. We can have successful careers, purchase our own homes, build our own wealth, and pay for the things we want (expensive skin care products and clothes – come on, they’re fun!) At my age, my mother had 3 toddlers and never bought herself anything. I admire and respect her for that, but I’ve always known that I didn’t want that kind of life when I was still only in my 30’s. People look at me like I have two heads when I say that I’m not in a hurry to get married. I have been in a healthy relationship for 5 years now with a wonderful man, and I’m pretty happy just the way things are for right now. He and I have actually discussed this quite a bit, because I have those “Is something wrong with me?” days, such as what it sounds like you were going through, Miss Rouge, when you recorded that video. Why is it expected that I “should” be in another place when I feel accomplished, mature, and fulfilled right where I am? How do you balance growing up with staying true to the younger person you have always known? I actually think that, despite how far we’ve come, many women still either don’t want to be independent or don’t think that they can be, and so they may let their relationships with men define them. Obviously, societal pressure plays a role here. They may not feel whole unless they’re in a relationship and being taken care of, so to speak. Let’s face it, most of today’s movies, books, and TV shows still highlight that old fashioned ideal of a man sweeping a woman off her feet – that fairy tale. Look at self-indulgent, elaborate brew ha ha of today’s American wedding. Grown women thinking that the day they dress up like a princess is the “most important day of their life.” In the end, you need to be true to yourself and what makes you unique. I’m sure that dating is harder than it used to be, however you’re probably also not remembering all of problems that go along with dating when you’re young. We tend to remember things better than maybe they were. I say, go out there, and do something that makes you feel powerful and gives you a sense of pride in where you are in your life and how far you (and women) have come. Remember, it wasn’t that long ago that women weren’t even allowed to vote. Our mothers and their mothers didn’t have the freedom and choices that we have today. It is a wonderful thing to be a woman in today’s society, despite the occasional moments of feeling “in limbo.”
Tara,
I cannot for the life of me believe that a successful, accomplished woman would publish such a juvenile, meandering dissertation on the perils of growing older. This video does nothing but expose you as a whingey superficial woman who worships the cult of celebrity. Wake up and get on with your life and stop complaining!
@Jason,
Seriously? One is not allowed to muse (and in a lighthearted, joking way, I must add) about aging? We are supposed to keep this stuff all bunged up inside of ourselves? And worship the cult of celebrity? Hardly. The musing was all about questioning it!
That being said, I respect that you are icked out by such emotional (and meandering) displays, but the fact that you sat through the 8 minutes of me meandering says something, too.
Gus like Jason make me want to turn in my “man card”, except if I switched genders that wouldn’t work because I couldn’t afford the clothes.
My 22 year old daughter held up an eyeshadow stick in Sephora on the Champs Elysees last week and said “Dad this only costs 30 Euros!” My fashion and makeup knowledge immediately surfaced as I replied “Is that a lot?”
I’m sticking to being a guy since it is cheaper even though there are billions of dolts like Jason out there.
Another perfect example why I’m soooo glad you’re posting again Tara.
I love that you are a successful marketer, business person & internet entrepreneur AND woman enough to be “real”.
I applaud your courage in willing to put yourself out there so candidly in reflecting on your personal experience.
I must admit to having a reverse experience from what you’ve described: I generally have been feeling more in my skin and more confident as I’ve been getting older, but that was mostly because I was slightly socially isolated in elementary and high school dealing with body image issues (fallout from long-term treatment for scoliosis). At some point this will likely collapse, and being who I am, I think about that inevitable return a lot.
For my recent 25th birthday, I watched Synecdoche, New York, for the second time – a great, though jarring and somewhat meandering, film about (among a host of other things) failure — of bodies, of aspirations — and middle age. I agree with what you say: society currently doesn’t give us many graceful models of women aging. Really, how many of us are going to be Madonna? Or Kylie Minogue? That was, perhaps, the thing I appreciated the most about Synecdoche, New York — the protagonist is a male, and throughout the entire film, there’s only one other male character. Everyone else is female, interesting, and more importantly, ages differently and has very different motivations, reactions, and approaches.
I think it really comes down to the narrative arc one wants to be able to tell about our life (not to get too death-focused; a risk for me, lit minor). For me personally, and I suspect for you, it’s about not letting the misconceptions and expectations get in the way of meaningful connection, and the fear that those expectations that everyone else has, that aren’t really about us as people, will start to work against us even more than they have previously.
Love your video Tara, I’m very much a lurker but felt compelled to respond, especially when you mentioned Forever 21!
I think as women we face these pressures at every age. The good thing about getting older is now you can afford to spend 3K on skin care
If you think about it, I bet you felt in this limbo stage at 11, at 16 perhaps some time in your 20s. It’s hard to find our place some times and we get impatient over what’s next.
My suggestion, schedule a game of beer pong every couple months to keep things in perspective
Any man that says “I cannot date you because you are more successful than I.” is an idiot. They must be insecure about themselves. If they are really looking for a life partner, how much she makes should not be a deal breaker. If it is, he is not worth it anyways.
I am 32 and also feel like I’m in the middle of the social classes. I do think that I act younger than my age and care a little too much about what the next big thing on the internet is going to be. Although I truly think that this is the best time of my life. I have had more fun since turning 30 than when I turned 21.
Tara, just know that there are others out there that feel the same as you do.
I cannot really relate to anything you said, I’m not yet 30, I’m not a woman, and I’m not single.
I just wanted to say one thing. Any guy that will not date you based on the fact that you may make more money than he does is an insecure moron who is not worth the time you may have spent on/with him.
You need sex…. and I can help
Just let me know when your ready…… and I obviously agree with you 100% CLASS OF 1990!.lol….
Lots of love
Haha! I had to make a comment because… of MORE magazine! It’s the best… and was indeed one of my clues that oh wow, I have shifted into a different demographic bracket. That and the fact that I don’t KNOW more than half the faces in People magazine anymore! I’m turning 38 this year so no wonder, I’m only 2 years away from MORE!
And like you, being in the social media world, people think I’m younger than I am for some reason. And having only been a single mom for a year or so, dating hasn’t really been an issue except I so rarely have time. I agree with some of the comments… if someone has an issue dating you because of your success, um, see ya!
I am 36 years old but I have a bit different experience. During the past few years and today I can definitely feel that I became a bomb of energy in all life aspects. I am very energetic physicall and intellectually I am thirsty for knowledge and for physical activity. I am a PhD student and my studies are so east for me. I have more energy than what my studies really demand. All in all, I can definitely report that I have never felt in my life more alive or energetic than I am today!! As for naps that is not even something that I think of at all. My brain is always working and I always want to see more of the world.
Hi Tara,
I came here, at first , to understand what The Whuffie Factor is…And after understand 0.5% of it…I found a 36 years woman. Well, welcome to the team. Just so you know…you listed a bunch of women that don´t sound to be as much funny or interesting as you are. Come on, you must read Honoré de Balzac and relax about 30´s. Anyway I feel a lot like you….stuck in a middle age…But trust me, I am not that funny as you seems to be. Smile girl , hope you like the girl…;) Hope to hear from you…From a Brazilian friend. Leonardo.