I was reading an article in the New York Times about painful shoes today and it felt as if I was looking at a former version of myself. Throughout the comments and reviews, people defended the practice of beating up one’s feet for fashion, such as:
Contrary to popular belief, today’s extreme shoes are not designed to torture women’s feet. Pain is not the goal, it is just an unfortunate side effect — collateral damage? — to the visual impact of the shoe’s extreme design. – Valerie Steele
Wearable art? Creating illusion and desire is a way that a woman seeks power? Increase in height equals increase in self-esteem? Whatever it is, I’ve been part of it for my entire life.
I recall my Mother telling me when I was younger that she sought out comfort, not glamour. I also recall thinking that she was an alien for doing so. But I find myself buying for comfort more and more these days and not feeling alien in the least.
And I don’t know why this article sent me down this path, but it made me start thinking of all of the ways we externalize our power. And somehow I thought about religion and dating and politics and identity and painful shoes all being part of the same system of externalized validation.
Religion, from my perspective, is a way that people can have hope and faith and believe in something beyond what they see to validate a way of being in the world. Dogma, mantra, karma – whichever – it helps guide people externally to do ‘the right thing’.
Dating is a complicated arena full of people looking for love. Only, I have observed that there are very few amazing matches that result in the dance. And, from my own experience (being part of those mismatches), I feel like we settle too quickly into situations that aren’t good fits for us because being with that other person externally validates our worth. I know…this seems like a terribly negative view of love, but I’ve finally gotten to a point in my life that I’m happy enough with myself that I don’t have to settle for someone who doesn’t complement me.
Politics? Left or right? Socialist? Capitalist (arguably, not even a political stance, but used nonetheless)? Libertarian? Humanist? Whatever all of those mean, are we really so in love with categories that need to file ourselves into one or the other? How did we become such experts in what the ‘right’ way to run a country is? Not from personal experience. It’s learned. It’s transfered. It’s external.
Identity is a wider reaching ball of muddle. I’m a woman. What does that mean? Why are so many pre-conceived notions packed around that definition and why do I need to put them on as uncomfortable as they are? I’m just as guilty as anyone for generalizing identities to make a point (i.e. Canadians are more community focused, etc.). I know where it’s useful. But I also know where it ceases to be useful. These external generalizations of identity are good for figuring out what we have in common, but they cease to be useful when we start expecting individuals to act a certain way because of the generalization.
Which brings me to these shoes. A good step back (so to speak) would reveal to us that wearing 12″ heels or pointy toes or strappy sandals that we can’t walk in more than 1 block and cut our feet to shreds is the unsexiest thing we can possibly ever do. I was at drinks with some friends of mine the other night and they showed me a photo of a male friend who is single and who makes his dates fill out a test before he’ll go out with them. I looked at the photo and thought, “This man is bald, overweight and not particularly handsome, how does he have the power to administer a test to women who desire to date him? Would an overweight, unattractive woman be able to do the same?” And when I read the article on the shoes, I thought, “Oh geez, I balked at the test, but that’s what these shoes are.” Another test. A way to seek external validation that we are worthy…to be looked at…to be desired…to have someone with comfortable shoes and way more power ask us out on a date.
I’m learning slowly to find my power from within. It’s easier said than done. There is so much to unpack in terms of identity and messages and everything else that leads to self-doubt and feeling unworthy in the world. I’m a million miles away from achieving full-on internalized validation, but what I can say is that I don’t require religion to tell me what is right and make me a better person in this world, I don’t require a political label to define how I believe we should be treating people in our countries, I’m done with dating people who don’t fit and am more than happy to be single for as long as it takes (even if it never happens), I work hard to unpack notions of identity for myself and the people I meet everyday and I won’t wear shoes that hurt me anymore. I’m more desirable without them.
October 11th, 2009 at 1:18 am
From context, I’m almost certain you meant complement, not compliment.
October 11th, 2009 at 5:09 am
I didn’t realize there were two spellings. Thanks.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:37 am
Tara:
That was an excellent, well thought out article. Your observations on religion, dating, politics and identity were spot on. However those four areas of global strife pale in comparison to the universal issue of SHOES. I’m heading to Paris in a couple of days and at this point, my only concern is shoes!
Wait! I want to comment more, but, brain shutting down, not enough coffee….
Resuming radio silence….
Mike
October 11th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Tara
Great article…just finished my second time through it as I know that I missed many of the bigger points the first time through.
Some really deep ideas to reflect on, and thanks for sharing.
October 11th, 2009 at 11:27 am
@mike drips – Ah…thinking that perhaps you haven’t had the same hangups about shoes throughout your life…it’s really closely tied to notions of gender identity for me, I think. Which is a much bigger ball of muck!
October 11th, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Great post Tara. I love your line “There is so much to unpack in terms of identity and messages and everything else that leads to self-doubt and feeling unworthy in the world”. As is the way of these things – I read your post on a day when I am dealing with some unpacking with respect to my identity and the obstacles I am encountering on my journey to internal validation. The word unpack is powerful. Thanks for posting.
October 11th, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Well, Tara, I think you should hold out for someone who will not only complement you (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/complement) but compliment you constantly, because you deserve compliments.
Here’s one.
Your message here is a must-read for young women.
I used to indulge in what I call “shoe porn,” and I was wearing a particularly delicious pair one day when a male friend (who was a Women’s Wear Daily subscriber just because he loved fashion) admired them. “Are they comfortable?” he asked. “No, they are not,” I replied.
He regarded me soberly. “I respect that,” he said sincerely.
Strange words, I thought. He respects my wearing uncomfortable shoes because they are gorgeous. Respect. Respect. Do I respect that? Turns out I didn’t respect that, and it was the beginning of the end of my high heel habit.
Now I respect MYSELF enough not to jeopardize my ankles and metatarsals by tottering on tiny stilts. I’m five inches shorter and considerably less glamorous.
But as you have pointed out so well, it’s possible to stand much taller in flats.
October 11th, 2009 at 7:54 pm
Oh man, I was in your shoes:-) I married five different people because my father told me that if I continued to get educated no man would ever marry me, and I wore high heels until I met my last husband and I finally found someone who loved me for who I was and not what I wore. I take that back. Probably none of them loved me for what I wore, but I never saw that. And now, I’m still externalizing. After all, what’s a business besides another form of external validation? But if we go down this road, Hamlet-like we will do nothing. So at least I’ve gotten rid of the woman part, where you wear the F**k me pumps.
I have this kind of conversation with women quite often lately; I think something new is bubbling under the surface. Both my daughters are the primary earners in their families, as I have always been, and you are, and many other women I know. That’s got to change our thinking at some point.
October 12th, 2009 at 5:29 am
Delightful article! One of the great pleasures of aging is becoming what I call “comfortable in your own skin”. I gave up skinny heels the last time I fell and skinned my knees, and have never had a shortage of male attention, so obviously it wasn’t the heels that they found attractive in me.
Give a few of those balding, overweight men a chance — you might find some gems there, just like they find in us gals with flat shoes.
October 12th, 2009 at 5:33 am
@sequined geek
Even balding, overweight men with tests?
THERE is where I draw the line.
October 13th, 2009 at 4:22 am
Great post! When we strip away everything outside of ourselves, we are left with the raw, naked truth of who we are at our innermost core. That’s where the beauty begins. It’s also where it ends.
October 18th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Very thought provoking and interesting, I especially enjoyed “I’m learning slowly to find my power from within..” – because I am trying to do the same.
October 22nd, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Tara,
I hope we’re all “unpacking” ourselves to a certain degree. The label of our shoes and/or our identities don’t define us, our essence does. Our essence defies even the strictest definition of our personality to reveal a much more powerful, pure, honest and insightful being, where love is limitless and validation unnecessary.
October 23rd, 2009 at 2:19 pm
This last year and a half has been quite an experience for you. It’s reflected in the evolution of your thoughts on these weighty topics– yes, even the shoes!
Regret we never met up for lunch, yet very glad to know you through your blog, tweets etc. In this dizzying-paced social media environment, it’s good to see you’ve gone deeper into knowing who you are, where your true power lies and what is meaningful to you. I know a young women who follow you who finds it quite inspirational. (FYI)
November 8th, 2009 at 10:58 pm
There you go. http://tumble.sebpaquet.net/comfort-win
November 9th, 2009 at 6:51 pm
Hi Tara
. Because of my blog “tardiness”, I rarely comment but I am so impressed this post that I was literally compelled to. I have recently emigrated and the massive adjustment that that has taken has caused me to question many of these sorts of things. For one thing and for example, I spent a fortune shipping bags and suitcases of clothing over with me, only to discover that with my new attitude of comfort over pained style, I have given easily 2/3rds away to Goodwill in the last year. I have also always struggled with size of clithing and size of me and have realised very recently just how disempowering that is. I have always told myself that there was something wrong with my body because I didn’t fit into common sizes. What I realised lately is that I am taller than usual, I am small waisted, I am voluptuous and I have very long legs – wth is wrong with that? 
Took me a damn long time to work that out past all the societal conditioning!
I’ve read this a month after the fact – as I do with most blogs I subscribe to i am almost ashamed to say except that that would be conforming to the rules of giving away my time immediately it is demanded and I try very hard not to conform or externally validate –