I know that I don’t usually give dating advice on my blog, but I thought I’d put this out there since it’s been ultimately helpful for me.
Being broken up with – especially when you are still really into the person – is super painful. It hurts all over. Your heart aches because of the dashed hope for a potential future with this person. Your brain aches and you beat yourself up over not seeing the signs or doing something different leading up to this. Your ego aches, making it really difficult to imagine someone ever loving you again. Etc. I get it. I’ve been the dumpee as much, if not more, than I’ve ever been the dumper and for anyone who says, “Being the dumper is more painful…” well, they are totally full of it and have probably never experienced being dumped.
About a year and a half ago, I read Helen Fishers, Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, which really saved my life. I swear. Having been dumped in a big way a couple months previous to reading it, I was still in the throes of pain. I was showing the world ‘brave face’ but inside I was a total mess. I’d go home every night after smiling and pretending I was okay and go into total mope mode. But after reading Helen’s book, I realized that I wasn’t moping because my ex was the best thing that ever happened to me and I’ll never find anyone to take his place, it was because I continued to feed the brain chemicals that caused romantic love.
Yes. Seriously. Why we fall in love has very little to do with fate or stars or some other mystic and romantic notion. We fall in love because chemicals in our brains are triggered at the right time. I won’t go into the chemicals in this post (you should read the book…very fascinating), but lemme just illustrate it with this one fact: falling in love is tightly related with the same brain chemical reaction to becoming addicted to drugs like cocaine or crack.
So after reading the book, I realized that I would need to de-toxify my body from my ex the same way as I would de-toxify my body from a drug. Here are some of the things I found worked well to ‘break the habit’:
- Zero contact. And I mean ZERO. None. Nada. Everytime you have contact: be it email, phone, in person, whaever…you are revving up those chemicals again. Just like if you were to say you quite cocaine, but do a ‘bump’ a day later. If there has to be logistical contact, keep it professional. No ‘I miss you’s’ or ‘I’m thinking of you’s’. Even better, if you bring in a mutual friend to help you make handoffs (keys, etc.).
- No stalking either. I know that you desperately want to see if he/she is still thinking of you. But even if looking at his Twitter stream is tempting and will only take a second glance, don’t do it. Even if he or she mentions they are feeling blue, too, can be misconstrued as something to hope for…which will strike up those chemicals once again. Bad. Unfollow him/her on Flickr, Twitter and everywhere else he or she regularly updates.
- Refrain from reliving moments. If you had a special song or there was a special place you went together or anything else that will trigger happier moments memories, avoid it. Eventually, you will learn to reclaim it. For yourself or with someone else who deserves your love.
- Keep yourself moving forward. Don’t avoid your feelings. They are real. But wallowing only serves to feed the chemicals and keep you miserable. Find ways to positively move through the pain like working out, going to a conference to put your brain on a workout, read a good book, go out with your brilliant friends, dance, etc. Anything that will stimulate the other chemicals in your brain that will eradicate the love ones.
- Get over someone by getting under someone else. Okay. So this one is a bit dicey and to tell you the truth, I’m not very good at it. But according to the brain chemical theory, being ravished by a new suitor will jump start other chemicals that could be very good for you. Things to be careful with here: a. the person you are doing this with won’t get hurt by a fling thing, b. this won’t turn into a rebound relationship, c. you, yourself, are aware of what you are doing and you make the choice to feel good again and treat yourself, not to get back at whats-his-pickle.
- Be aware at every moment of the really awesome things in your life. Not in relation to him/her, but in relation to you. Just you. You have great friends. A good job. A great vocabulary. A fantastic wardrobe. Supportive parents. A good palette for wine. Whatever. You have talents and blessings and, well, it’s not too corny to repeat them over and over to yourself at this moment…cause you need a happy distraction.
Love is like an addiction, so getting ‘clean’ when it isn’t available to you anymore (through that desired person anyway), is not easy. But you make it even tougher on yourself if you prolong the addiction. Of course, you can do all of the above and it will still take time to get that person out of your system. I mean…you DID really love him/her, right? And you still DO. But at the risk of sounding crass…He/she has moved on. It’s time for you to as well.
xo
May 24th, 2009 at 12:50 pm
Two things I’ve found help the blood coagulate when you find yourself staring at the stump left from another severed social limb:
1. Work out like crazy. Nothing boosts energy levels and confidence like better fitness. Strenuous exercise helps clear your mind. You’ll also feel less guilt about sitting on your kitchen floor eating tears and Oreos (I might be the only one to ever do that) if you’ve been working out and know it won’t wreck your physique.
2. Pour yourself back into your friendships. Enlist one friend as your “phone a friend” bail-out you promise to call before trying to contact your ex…because even the strongest among us get weak in these situations. Take the time you’d usually spend with the one-we-will-not-speak-of and schedule “dates” with some of those brilliant friends. Most of us tend to abandon friendships when we’re infatuated with another and a break-up can provide needed impetus to renew the joy of our platonic relationships.
I don’t know what it’s like to be in your head during something like this, but I’ve experienced it in my own life and I know how much it blows. Props to you for sharing your experience. Now get out there and have some fun!
May 24th, 2009 at 3:38 pm
Wow, great post. And man does it come at the right time, this is exactly the situation I’m in. Weird.
May 24th, 2009 at 6:36 pm
Kudos for moving on, and for the positive press your book is getting. You’re setting a fine example.
May 24th, 2009 at 9:04 pm
What the deuce? Seth and I have the same last name. Not a common spelling at all.
I had the privilege of hanging out with Tara a couple of days before this was written. Let me tell you, she is walking the talk. I’m not going to say which point numbers I saw her exhibiting
A book that helped me recently is “Mindful Loving” (http://www.amazon.com/Mindful-Loving-Henry-Grayson/dp/1592400612/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1243227619&sr=8-1). I highly recommend it.
Tara, you are an amazing person. I can’t wait to see more on your road trip this summer!
May 24th, 2009 at 11:58 pm
Amazing post, Tara.
Lots of courage and insight and hard-won lessons.
The analogy to physical addiction is spot-on.
Like an ex-smoker whose dormant cravings waken upon the first whiff of a favorite cig brand, I find my cravings for a past love remain close to the surface ready to poke through at the slightest scent of my past lover.
May 25th, 2009 at 5:20 am
My tick list (not used for a good few years mind)
1) zero contact
2) ringing everybody in your phone book because you’ve probably not spoken to enough friends lately. One a night, until you’ve caught up with everybody.
3) gin, but only in social circumstances. Drinking alone is bad bad bad.
4) pizza, eaten alone, followed by icecream.
5) spring clean – declutter your life, chuck all the crap in your flat and clean everything. feel new.
May 25th, 2009 at 9:42 am
(((BIG hugs)))
May 27th, 2009 at 1:32 pm
Great post! And this book sounds like a great read. I’ll need to pick it up some time.
May 28th, 2009 at 2:02 am
Usually I get over my ex in the bed of a new woman. After having had sex with another woman I kinda feel a little distance from the one that belonged my heart to.
For me sex with a stranger really cures my broken heart because at that point there is no turning back. It is kinda self fulfilling-prophecy to me: I get over my ex in spite and because of our love. Otherwise I couldn’t get intimate with another woman.
After that I really stop to ruminating about my ex. It worked several times for me and as hard as every break up tends to be it really eases my pain.
I once totally refused this way of getting over a woman because I considered it cheating (sic!) – hey and that’s what it is really about: cheat your feelings to allign them with reality. If you cannot fix it, move on – by getting over it. And I prefer to do it the sexual way.
May 28th, 2009 at 11:13 am
I wish I had that book years ago! Although I have married now for almost 14 yrs the years before I found my husband were shear and utter torture. I recently looked at my collage journals and the ones after that and was amazed at how incredibly stupid I was obsessing over these horrible men, and if not to put insult to injury the whole Facebook thing has almost brought it all back again.
However this time I had a better perspective on what decisions I made as well as theirs and glad that it ended up the way it did. I recently went out to dinner with an ex and realize Karma is a bitch and he ended up with what he deserved a loveless marriage! I hate to say it but I was almost joyful that his was a mess. If I had that book years ago I would have realized then that him breaking up with me was such a blessing!
I am extremely glad you are moving into another path and don’t worry- you will find the one who you are meant to find, I truly believe it. I recently watched this program on how the opposite sex attracts and the interesting thing they said is that we are attracted to a certain scent in a person because of mating. This scent will make us get together so we can make the perfect offspring- interesting note on that if you wear cologne or perfume the scent can be effected and you can end up with the wrong person- so find a guy who wears no cologne and see if he works! Actually my husband doesn’t wear cologne- go figure- funny!
Best of luck to you- love your post!
Ellen
May 28th, 2009 at 5:16 pm
I absolutely loved this post because it was probably the most frank and real that I’ve read in awhile..and of course my heart still kinda aches and every piece of advice(and day that goes by) it starts to feel a little better.
I’ve printed this to share w/friends and myself, hopefully they don’t all always end this hard.
Thanks for sharing!
June 2nd, 2009 at 1:04 pm
Great post!
That’s all so true! It’s so easy to dwell on the past memories and want to keep up communication with someone you still care about, but it’ll only hurt you over and over again.
And that picture makes me sad :/