This is an awesome little movie. If you have 15 minutes, it’s really worth watching end to end. It covers a topic that has been near and dear to my heart this year as I’ve spent the past 11 months now working on releasing the shackles of external validation.
How am I doing with that? Well, 11 months doesn’t undo nearly 35 years of living for it…I still have a long way to go. And my participation online – blogging, tweeting, flickr-ing, etc. – makes for feeding the external validation junky in me. And really, it does feel good to get a nice comment or an email from someone saying that you’ve said something poignant to her or that you give him hope. It feels great…even when we brush it off with an ‘aw shucks’. And, of course, the feedback helps let us know we are doing something right in the world and to keep it up or step it up. But there is a downside to it, too. When I started to rely too much on the external validation to shape the way I felt about myself and what I was doing, I became way to susceptible to the ebbs and flows as well as the negative feedback that came my way. My moods were controlled by external forces. Not a great thing.
It was also the downfall of many of my relationships. I got to the point that, if I wasn’t getting the feedback I needed, I would demand it. Then, of course when I got the validation, it felt empty. I had asked for it. Was it real? I was a mess.
Not to be too poetic about it, but I really do think we’d all be happier if we relied less on external validation. The movie is feel good and cute, but there is an underlying message. Hugh, the main character, gives others the validation they need, and, in return, he gets validated with making them smile. When he encounters Victoria, who won’t smile, it drastically affects him and his ability to function. Meanwhile, Victoria’s ability to feel good is affected by another outside source. It’s kind of a metaphor for the way we live in America and I see this all the time. People around me are constantly waiting for something or somebody outside themselves to change their moods. Much of it is consumed. It makes me happy for a couple of hours or even days when something remarkable happens or I get a compliment or I buy a lovely new Coach bag (my ‘junk’), but then I go back to my set-point again.
All of this rambling, of course, reminds me of the idea of Happiness as Your Business Model, where three out of the four pillars to happiness rely at least somewhat on extrinsic signals: autonomy, competence and relatedness. Autonomy relies on the fact that outside forces aren’t controlling you (if they are, you are miserable). Competence relies on whatever you are challenged with to be just the right level of challenging and do-able. And relatedness relies strongly on the presence of others. (the fourth being your set-point or natural level of self-esteem)
I think my ultimate goal in life is to achieve a level of autonomy from the external validation, itself. I’d love to get to that place where compliments are good signals that I’m going in a positive direction and critiques are just points to ponder for improving my performance, but neither have much of an affect on my disposition.
Either way, I wanted to share the movie and see if it provided food for thought on the cult of external validation that we are part of. People in this movie are, in a sense, buying it. Where do you buy it? Is it something you think about? Do you think people would be naturally happier without relying on it? Does this affect consumerism? Marketing? Food for thought…
You might find the exercises in Nathaniel Branden’s “6 Pillars of Self Esteem” worthwhile.
Thanks a lot for this post.
This post triggered a lot of thoughts.
Imagine a world where people don’t smile. Can you laugh at it? Can you be happy in it? For how long?
There are many different answers.
Thanks again.
Hi Tara. The other day I told you that I thought your ability to be so responsive and personable with people that you hardly know is one of your gifts. I don’t mean to sound sappy… but you remind me of Hugh.
Thanks for sharing the movie. I’m going to use it on our site, and in my presentations to business people, helping them understand the powerful subtleties of social media.
– Jack
beautiful movie!.. and wow, so very true. some one once told me that ‘we should seek joy rather than happiness’ – and it took me a long while to actually understand that the former is intrinsic (and totally in our control), and the latter is based on external factors.
Rachna,
That is my experience as well. Chasing happiness seems to make it get farther away the harder it’s chased.
In contrast, dwelling in joyful moments magically attracts happiness.
I’m just so happy you are blogging again… I missed your blogging… and now I’m twittering too
And I was needing this particular post today. Thanks!
Tara,
You’ve succinctly said what I have been believing for years. Thank you for putting it so eloquently.
I truly believe that a person’s worth has nothing to do with the external factors right now (like what you do, what you say, how you act). What matters is what you are becoming, and most of the time other people don’t see it, even those closest to us. It’s interesting to note that when you start believing this about yourself, you start believing it about other people (many times vice versa as well). It frees you as it frees others in your view. I’ve found that since believing and acting this out usually frees other people too. It becomes contagious. Some people “get it” and embody it as well. Others just consume it. You can’t teach it, though. It has to affect people. That’s why I’ve never found self-help books to help. They don’t dig into where you get your value from.
Personally, I find mine from a higher being. My personal belief is that my value is completely outside of what others think of me, or even many times what I think of myself. Let me tell you, that is probably the single most freeing philosophy I’ve experienced.
Regardless of whether you believe your value comes from a higher being or not, you are valuable. Valuable to so many people. And even if you didn’t do the job you currently do, you would still be valuable. The point isn’t who you’re valuable to, or that you need the external validation. The point is that you change lives even without knowing it. When you live your life knowing that at any moment you could be changing someone else’s life, that’s freeing.
Simply giving a quarter, holding a door, smiling. They’re simple actions, but to the right people, they’re life saving.
You may never know where you’re valuable… but that’s just it. When you depend on the validation from others, you’re only going to be valuable when and where you’re going to receive that (true or false) validation. At that point, it’s less about them and more about you. That’s rarely where people are most valuable (when people are selfish or even self-seeking). It’s when you’re selfless that you become valuable when and where you least expect it.
Anyway, just some more thoughts to chew on… Thanks for giving us the opportunity to respond to your ponderings. Keep it up.
Cheers, friend.
Hi Tara,
What a wonderful little big film. I consider it one of the best Christmas stories I know. Thank you so much for sharing it.
Merry Christmas and a very happy smiling New Year from the Netherlands,
Ewald