I spent most of a rare beautiful Saturday afraid to leave my house because I knew that the August edition of San Francisco Magazine was on the stands. I knew that if I left my house, I needed to stop and pick up some copies of it and face the article written by Bernice Yeung about the rise and fall of my relationship with Chris Messina. Bernice spent a great deal of time with both of us over at least an 8 month period, both when we were together and after the breakup. What started out as a piece on Coworking and our involvement in the movement slowly turned into a highly personal piece on living our life online. Knowing this, and having gone through the exercise of fact-checking that revealed the depth of how personal this piece was going to be, I was really afraid to read the article.
So, yes, I live my life very openly…mostly thanks to the advent of Twitter in 2006. Sure, I had been personally open on this blog, but only to the extent that I could weave my personal revelations into my professional practice. But when Twitter and its 140-character limit came along, it gave me license to broadcast the nuances of my everyday life. And it catapulted my openness into an extreme place. I had a really simple-to-access tool at my fingertips (literally) to tell the world how I felt, even when these feelings were ugly. And the most powerful part of this is that the more open I became, the more I connected with people: personally, professionally and otherwise. The benefits were clear to me. I was growing an extended family on Twitter. It was an amazing resource for personal healing.
But there is a downside to this that I only discovered after reading Bernice’s article.
With openness comes vulnerability. Not vulnerability in the sense of: ‘omg, ppl know I’m not home, so they are gonna break into my house’. Vulnerability in the sense of: ‘I’ve ripped my ribcage open for you to see my heart and if you reject it, I think I’ll die.’ And with that level of vulnerability I didn’t notice it happen, but a great deal of defensiveness set in. And it’s really affected many of my relationships.
It plays itself out in really destructive ways such as:
- Setting unattainably high expectations and then being highly critical when not met.
- Instead of listening and having a normal discussion, shutting down completely in angry defensiveness.
- Walking away from several professional opportunities because I didn’t think they ‘appreciated’ me.
- General paranoia in the form of, “Everyone thinks I’m a space case” kind of garbage.
Now, this isn’t me. Sure, my Mom will tell you that as a teenager I was very angry and defensive, but that was 20 years ago. Now I’m a grown woman who has been acting like a teenager again. If you’ve been on the receiving end of any of this, I apologize. And I don’t blame Twitter at all. It’s merely a tool and what I’ve gleaned through all of this is: openness is good, but defensiveness is not. I need to know my limits and, as I go through life, own the things I put out there, no matter what.
So, recognizing this in the context of reading the article and taking a really hard look at my personal interactions over the past couple of years I have set the goal of truly embracing the chaos and dropping the defensiveness. It won’t mean that I’m no longer afraid to be rejected, but it does mean that I will recognize when I’m having a defensive reaction.
And this, to me, is the only pitfall of living my life online. Amongst the many perks, such as: amazing people I’ve met and experiences that have opened up for me because of this, the pitfall has been that I’ve forgotten how vulnerable it feels to be open and how I need to be trusting as well as open. Good thing is that I can choose how I react to it.
:: update: Chris’ awesome response to the article.
24 Comments
Hi Tara,
Turns out when we are faced with “new” or “different” emotional stresses we tend to revert to the “last known configuration.” The brain doesn’t know what else to do, so it does what it already knows.
Those of us having cultivated a practice of self-development are both especially dismayed about — and especially vulnerable to — this effect.
So, you can choose how you react, except when you can’t.
Dave,
Way cool stuff…are there any references or books on this subject? I’m only discovering this for myself, but it would be super helpful to find reading material to understand the phenomenon a little better.
T
Good for you, Tara. I admire the approach you’re setting out for yourself here.
Best of luck with everything!
That is a fantastic article. It does an uplifting job of encapsulating a lot of emotional history in a way that’s engaging to read. In the days when everyone’s insisting that magazines will go away, that blogging is the new journalism, that article reinforces to me that there’s a real value in serious writing.
You should be proud that the life you’re living, the story you’re creating, is worth someone putting the time and effort into an article like that. As goofy as that sounds, it’s a big compliment. It’s not an article watching a train wreck, it’s an article about watching life happen, and that’s awesome.
*hugs*
Tara,
What a brilliant encapsulation of the vulnerability created by the new social media space. And thanks for sharing the hard parts that come with it. Maybe your awareness can help the rest of us temper ourselves as we figure out how we want to function as the world defaults to public over private.
You never cease to impress me with your openness!
Tara,
A really good place to start is with Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence. You can probably find it used on Amazon for less than a dollar.
From what I understand, our default reactions to novel forms of emotional stress are similar to how Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder works. The emotional part of our brain responds with our “default reaction” (installed in childhood) before the logical part of our brain even knows what’s happening. The logical part of the brain is the last to know what’s going on, kicking in *after* the “fight or flight” instinct makes us run off at the mouth (often to our later chagrin). I know this from personal experience, as do most people.
Reprogramming oneself takes quite a bit of effort, but it can be done, it’s worthwhile, and it’s fun.
I just want you to know that I also posted a poem(or two) about my ex once.
I very quickly pulled them down again as soon as the knife in gut feeling had finally passed.
I kinda wish I had left them up, it would have taken more guts and in the end it would have meant I was sticking up for myself, even if myself was writing bad poetry.
xx g’luck.
Wow!
I admire how you have elected to handle your “public life”. I follow you on Twitter and asked have asked the same questions.
With risk comes growth masqueraded as pain.
Hope to meet you at BlogWorld.
@carloshernandez
I just read the article — it brought me here — and I found it sort of… oddly moving. It takes helluva lotta guts to live life so openly online. I aspire to your level of grace and strength in doing so.
I gained a whole lot of respect for both of you reading it.
And learned a hell of a lot about the little things in life.
And I thank you for it.
Great article, beautifully written. I hate to use this word, but the way you address this topic of living life online and the complications it presents . . . is classy.
I continue to be amazed at your talent & depth.
FFT: Don’t think you are alone in getting defensive when we feel attacked. As we search for, understand and become established in our Truth, we are shaken less by other’s views of who they think we are. Your intense awareness & seeking for that Truth will likely resolve the problem.
Beautiful article, very endearing towards you, and it casts a great light on your work. You are do an amazing job of pretty much everything one could possibly do in life, and inspiring lots of folks, you are awesome. The article TOTALLY captures that. ^_^
Your openness is a gift to the people who read your stuff and love what you do.
But, I’m sure that gift must be a sacrifice for you too. I just want you to know that you have encouraged me in my career, in being a woman techie, in being a blogger and in being a woman with ups and downs in relationships.
You are real - more real than most people I’ve encountered online. I hope I get to meet you one day on the streets of The Mission or at a Barcamp.
It’s a great piece Tara, and shows you to be the amazing human being you are - imperfect and perfect all at once. You’re an inspiration and leader to all of us who orbit you.
While none of the several conversations I had with Bernice made it directly to the article, I’m honored that the little bit of my life I share with you (from afar, let it be said) allows us to be friends.
Dave Doolin is right. http://clarewgraves.com (Clare W Graves) found this in his research, too.
Bruce McEwen and his work on Allostasis http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allostasis is very related to this, too. “Allostatic load” is too much of the “fight or flight” reaction going on for too long. Anger is one sign of this. (I know this personally, because anger is how I often cope with fear, too). He has a book that is definitely worth reading where he explains the neuro-endochrine system in layperson’s terms http://www.amazon.com/End-Stress-As-We-Know/dp/0309076404 (End of Stress as We Know It) That along with Steve Johnson’s “Mind Wide Open”, and the Emotional Intelligence book mentioned by Dave Doolin above, can give you a really good idea of what is going on.
Actually, Graves’s research shows that, when confronted with new or different stresses, we either “regress” back to earlier ways of solving problems, or “circle the wagons” and stay steadfastly where we are at, or we find new ways of solving problems. Or, we may do go through all three.
So, it is natural and normal to go through “regressive” ways of solving problems when confronted with change, and then eventually move on from that into “progressive” ways of solving problems.
One of the built in good things about living “openly” is that there is an instant feedback loop from yourself to yourself, that can give you insight into yourself and the ways you are solving problems very quickly. Plus, there is consolidating support from other people out there who have connected with you. Look at all of the comments in this post, for instance. And there is of course insight from the feedback of others.
So, even though living online, and openly is a new problem for the human species to confront (especially for someone like you, Tara, who is splashed with virtual tidal wave of attention), there are also some inherent properties in the medium that support and reinforce those who use it in positive ways, I think.
I respect your openness. Not many people are open when it’s just the two of them, but you and Chris were not only open with one another but you were open about your relationship with thousands of people. I respect you for not letting things go down in flames. Relationships are hard as it us but to put them on display and then end an intimate relationship publically would destroy most people. You are a very strong woman and definitely mature beyond even a lot of your peers for coming out of this knowing how much you need to trust others. Thanks for sharing
Tara,
I am a woman turning 55 tomorrow and I read the SF Mag article just last week or so. I was so moved by your story! Your creativity, determination, perseverance and big ol’ wide open heart for all to behold. From here where I stand…sort of in the future, from 35 years old being in the past…I can tell you that you are a strong warrior in matters of the mind and heart! I have learned from you; have been inspired by your commitment to community and how I will present my work also. I applaud you and thank you for what you have contributed to our society.
Vulnerability…oh yes! It’s wonderful and it sucks. It’s all about risk, as you know. And think of how boring if we just hid our heads in the sand!
Take care…you are a hero! Arvis
I’ll admit, this made me a little sheepish about the times I’ve NOT tweeted something I could have as my self-consciousness kicked in.
Just know that you’ve been an inspiration to those of us trying to live a more transparent life, and who would like to bring that ethos into business.
Kudos to you!
Having read this article through, and having actually been interviewed for it a while back, I have a couple of pessemistic comments about it:
But before I make those, I do want to preface by stating that Bernice is obviously a fantastic writer, and really did some great research in writing this article, obviously. She’s also a nice person, so this is not meant as a slam to her in any way.
That being said, the story leaves kind of an exploitative taste in my mouth, to be totally honest with you. I know that Chris wrote that Bernice was already scooped several times, but the real story here in my opinion is still the incredible work that Chris and Tara have been involved in doing, and not their public break-up, or open-ness about their relationship(s).
Public break-ups, particularly online, are definitely nothing new. http://livejournal.com and myspace.com are literally strewn with years and years of people’s personal pain, and not just the lives of voyeurs, but genuine honest/open people, too. This stuff has been going on online for over 10 years now.
The really new thing, the really important thing here is the social phenomenon of coworking, *Camps, “pinko marketing”, “spreadlove”, Oauth, emergent collaboration online and offline, and the role that Chris and Tara played in spreading this, helping people make it work.
In case you haven’t noticed, the human species and our planet are on a collision-course with at least 8-9 different cataclysmic, potentially civilization-destroying factors http://www.earthscan.co.uk/Default.aspx?TabId=642¤treview=1 over the next 20 years.
The stuff that Chris and Tara have worked and are working on present some genuine building blocks towards ways of solving problems of existince, that people could use to possibly accelerate the avoidance of some of those looming problems. This is way more interesting to me personally than their breakup (although it is sad to know that they broke up.) Their breakup was worth reporting no doubt. But, I am here to tell you that ideas, theories, and actual usable applictions they are trying to infuse into society are far, far more important.
the price you pay for being famous online… But being famous is not such a bad thing. only if people abuse you or give any kind of harassment… I hope you find peace specially with your ex and be happy for who you are…
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You told me I’m doing a lot of things for my young age. Well my young age still doesn’t allow me to show that much maturity in relationship matters. But i think that you tried a new experience or a new way in your relationship and it was unknown territory. so it’s the usual to get defensive in an unknown territory. I found you after you ended your relationship so i haven’t followed it on twitter. (that’s because i like to read all updates). but i think that living it openly allowed for people to comment back, to help you, to give you advice, to make it a much more enriching experience.
as chris said on his blog post he really learned a lot from you, and for sure you learned a lot from chris too. I think this is a good example to see how you can learn from relationships.
since i’m at a young age i hope to get relationships to learn from in the future. maybe this has been the most mature post i’ve ever made, but well i really liked the article and the fact that one the persons i really admire because of your work in coworking, pinko marketing , bar camp and your book i can know as a real human being too.
that stuff was crazy just 15 years ago.
keep up with being like you are, because you know that that is the way all your friends (from SF, Canada or twitter) like you
Wow, no way I could be that brave. Right on we need more real openness and opportunity to know people online. Thanks for the post.
~jon
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