horsepigcow

I spent most of a rare beautiful Saturday afraid to leave my house because I knew that the August edition of San Francisco Magazine was on the stands. I knew that if I left my house, I needed to stop and pick up some copies of it and face the article written by Bernice Yeung about the rise and fall of my relationship with Chris Messina. Bernice spent a great deal of time with both of us over at least an 8 month period, both when we were together and after the breakup. What started out as a piece on Coworking and our involvement in the movement slowly turned into a highly personal piece on living our life online. Knowing this, and having gone through the exercise of fact-checking that revealed the depth of how personal this piece was going to be, I was really afraid to read the article.

So, yes, I live my life very openly…mostly thanks to the advent of Twitter in 2006. Sure, I had been personally open on this blog, but only to the extent that I could weave my personal revelations into my professional practice. But when Twitter and its 140-character limit came along, it gave me license to broadcast the nuances of my everyday life. And it catapulted my openness into an extreme place. I had a really simple-to-access tool at my fingertips (literally) to tell the world how I felt, even when these feelings were ugly. And the most powerful part of this is that the more open I became, the more I connected with people: personally, professionally and otherwise. The benefits were clear to me. I was growing an extended family on Twitter. It was an amazing resource for personal healing.

But there is a downside to this that I only discovered after reading Bernice’s article.

With openness comes vulnerability. Not vulnerability in the sense of: ‘omg, ppl know I’m not home, so they are gonna break into my house’. Vulnerability in the sense of: ‘I’ve ripped my ribcage open for you to see my heart and if you reject it, I think I’ll die.’ And with that level of vulnerability I didn’t notice it happen, but a great deal of defensiveness set in. And it’s really affected many of my relationships.

It plays itself out in really destructive ways such as:

• Setting unattainably high expectations and then being highly critical when not met.
• Instead of listening and having a normal discussion, shutting down completely in angry defensiveness.
• Walking away from several professional opportunities because I didn’t think they ‘appreciated’ me.
• General paranoia in the form of, “Everyone thinks I’m a space case” kind of garbage.

Now, this isn’t me. Sure, my Mom will tell you that as a teenager I was very angry and defensive, but that was 20 years ago. Now I’m a grown woman who has been acting like a teenager again. If you’ve been on the receiving end of any of this, I apologize. And I don’t blame Twitter at all. It’s merely a tool and what I’ve gleaned through all of this is: openness is good, but defensiveness is not. I need to know my limits and, as I go through life, own the things I put out there, no matter what.

So, recognizing this in the context of reading the article and taking a really hard look at my personal interactions over the past couple of years I have set the goal of truly embracing the chaos and dropping the defensiveness. It won’t mean that I’m no longer afraid to be rejected, but it does mean that I will recognize when I’m having a defensive reaction.

And this, to me, is the only pitfall of living my life online. Amongst the many perks, such as: amazing people I’ve met and experiences that have opened up for me because of this, the pitfall has been that I’ve forgotten how vulnerable it feels to be open and how I need to be trusting as well as open. Good thing is that I can choose how I react to it.

:: update: Chris’ awesome response to the article.

I’m looking way forward to speaking at this. They have a great lineup and the conference itself has a really awesome theme…kind of a film noire bit about uncovering the secrets. Hope y’all can make it!

Recently, my friend Matthew* (aka organ_printer), convinced me that I have to start watching The Wire, an HBO series that follows crime investigations through Baltimore. When I started to watch it, I wasn’t super impressed. Too many of the characters were juvenile and between the street lingo I can never follow (had the same problem with NYPD Blue) and the quick, scenes strung together with a seemingly endless cast of characters, I just couldn’t keep up.

But I gave it a chance and kept watching and by about episode number four, the show started to pull me in. I realized that the endless cast of characters were absolutely necessary for the basic premise of the show: a complexly woven story of all of the ways that chaos determines so much of the world we live in. What one watches as the season unfolds is a series of smaller actions, leading to bigger consequences, consequences you mostly didn’t see coming. But even MORE striking for me was what was missing from the story. The actions and decisions that were being made and not shown to the viewer that led to certain outcomes. I know. I’m lost, too.

So, I started thinking about the show in general terms. We’ve got:

• A cast of characters where those who appear to be real fuck-ups in the beginning are actually key to solving the case presented and, in my case, ended up being my favorites.
• An ostensibly hopeless situation that you discover in a key moment in the last episode that the situation is only hopeless for certain individuals. And, to make this less cryptic, the show gives a humanized glimpse into the drug trade as a true business (untaxed of course, so not totally viable) that employs a huge number of people and runs more efficiently than any business I’ve encountered in my travels who can, then, support their families.
• Some vigilantes, both Jimmy McNulty (lead character) and Omar Little (and to a smaller extent, Kima Greggs, who I hope to see more into in further seasons), who have learnt to mistrust the system set up to serve and protect and who are effective because they go around it in their own ways. And at the same time, the two of them will use that system to further their individual causes when it behooves them. These characters also have an unwavering code of ethics.
• A story that isn’t about the drug trade and a case to stop it at all, but is about something deeper. Matthew says it’s about democracy in America, but I must not know enough about democracy in America**. I see it more as an illustration of the balance of chaos and control that effects us every day. But I’m guessing that is what he means by democracy in America.

The photo that opens this post is of my friend, Alex Hillman. We took it while in the Brooklyn Superhero Supply Co., a seriously awesome storefront to a more seriously awesome idea. Alex is ‘embracing the chaos’ – one of the many fun products you can buy to help you become a superhero – and playing off of a favorite theme of mine. It’s one of the core principles to raising Whuffie and one of the core lessons to the movements I’ve been involved in, including BarCamp and Coworking. Embracing the chaos isn’t about letting chaos reign, but about realizing that chaos is a reality in the world. If we embrace it and are flexible enough to move with it, life becomes much easier. We are presented with opportunities, we learn more and we become totally resourceful. Of course, with chaos comes chance and this is where control is necessary, too.

The choices we make along the way, as well as the choices others make, help contribute to various outcomes. In The Wire, the characters make certain choices along the way, some positive and some disastrous, but the case moves in a direction because of these choices. The system represented in The Wire (and I hate calling it a system, but I can’t come up with a better term right now) is in place to control those choices. The law that states that one action is right and one is wrong is set up to control the choices of citizens, the process and the chain of command within the police department is set up to control the choices of public servants and personal politics and ego (not officially part of a system, but part of the human race) are in place to control those in control of the law and the process. Whether or not you like control, it is an essential part of the balancer for chaos.

For example, in the case of BarCamp, there is a controlled framework in place to assist BarCampers in making better choices. There are rules that state that you must participate in some fashion and encourage people to make the choice to show up and present. There is a schedule that controls the length of presentations so that those that could potentially go on forever, won’t, and those who may not take the time to explore a topic have to. For the wider movement, there are all sorts of community pressures on what you can and cannot call a BarCamp. Can you pre-schedule? Can you charge for it? Can it be commercial? Can it be invite only? Although these controls aren’t really explicitly stated or enforced, there is enough social pressure in place to effect the choices of BarCampers all over the world.

The law and the team of detectives enforcing it in The Wire are present to set limits…exert control over the choices made by the citizens on the street. But that is only one dimension. There is a balance of control and chaos at work on the street and within the police department. Without chaos, creative solutions to living/policing/etc. wouldn’t happen. Without control, there are those who would make really bad choices that hurt others. The balance, and imbalance, of the two are represented beautifully in The Wire. Nobody ever ‘wins’. That’s not the point. Justice isn’t supposed to prevail. There isn’t justice in a chaotic world, only an ongoing teeter totter of chaos and control that, like Jimmy and Omar, we can learn to straddle in order to move things forward for us and for the people around us. This isn’t a bad thing at all. It is truly the only way we can advance in a diverse world.

I can’t wait to start watching Season Two.

** From Matthew’s comment below as I misunderstood his thesis: …while it’s not about Democracy in America it is as important as De Toqueville’s book Democracy in America. It paints the downfall of a degrading city as a result of internal and external events and the citizens that play by the game of Capitalism. It is the first show to humanize the drug trade with a cogent argument for why those in the game are left with no other options for success. And that they are just as enterprising as the rest of us working on what we call the “right side of the law.”

This is not a review of the movie I just saw. And I promise not to give much away. However, seeing The Dark Knight tonight has got me thinking about some stuff and I’m actually inspired to write more than 140 Characters on Twitter about it.

What I did write on Twitter was: Wow. Being a hero is tough work.

And it is. Certainly, these are comic book heroes and, even in the roughest city I’ve been in, I’ve never seen the likes of Gotham’s underbelly, so the scenarios are way amplified. But if we were to take it down a notch and remove all of the big scenes and explosions and psycho characters that won’t stop at anything to destroy the fabric of society, we may have an interesting metaphor for what it means to be a hero.

So what does it mean?

Well, #1, to be a hero is to be selfless. Whether it is Spiderman or Batman or Wonder Woman or what have you, these characters demonstrate a personal sacrifice for the greater good. My favorite line of all hero movies of all time was from the first Spiderman, where Peter’s Uncle Ben tells him, “With great power there must also come great responsibility.” Lots of people gain power in our world, but a hero exercises that power for the good of others. Even beyond that a hero recognizes that his or her power gained mustn’t be squandered. Idly standing by with gifts is equally irresponsible.

#2, to be a hero is to hold true to a code of ethics. Now, this may be misconstrued as many villians in our world may purport to hold true to a code of ethics, but within all of the characteristics of a hero, hurting others for personal or interest group gain doesn’t work.

#3, heroism requires action. A hero speaks up where there is injustice. A hero stands up to bullies. A hero will take the bullet when others are afraid. People that talk about being a hero but do nothing when there is much work to be done aren’t heroes. They may want to be heroes, but they need to step up to become one.

Sort of like #1, but sort of separate is the ability to be egolessness. This is the #4 characteristic of a hero. There are many heroes in this world that go unnoticed because the work they do is behind the scenes. They don’t do what they do because they want fame or recognition. Heroes do what they do because they really want to see change. Many of the heroes I know will point out the heroism of others long before they would even receive recognition for what they are doing.

#5, heroes don’t discriminate. The same code of ethics, selflessness, egolessness and action applies to everyone…even to villians. True heroes want everyone to believe. They want everyone to have hope. There are no ‘sides’ for heroes. When they are fighting villians, it is only to stop them from committing heinous acts against others. When the fight is over, they will reach out to the villian with the same empathy that they would extend anyone. My favorite heroes are the ones that don’t intentionally kill anyone.

I don’t know if I have what it takes to be a hero. I get scared. I let ego get in my way. I take sides. I totally want to be. I just don’t always know that I have what it takes.

But another thing I love about heroes is that, no matter how strong their character is, they question. They falter. They have times where they don’t want to be heroes. They want to be “normal”. Spiderman has always been one of my favorite characters because, above all else, he is human and terribly torn between the gift he is given and the need for something very real, very human: love. But there is no dating for Spiderman. There is no courting Mary Jane in the manner he wants to. His responsibility is greater than that and for that reason, he must sacrifice that desire.

And, yes, Spiderman, Batman, Wonder Woman and all of the comic book heroes have extraneous circumstances. I believe real-life heroes can have love and live fairly “normal” (whatever that means) lives. But there are sacrifices and it takes dedication. And it can happen every day in all sorts of shapes and sizes of heroism.

Some examples:

• When someone says something hateful or harmful against another person or group, speak up and say that isn’t cool. Help that person examine their biases. Be kind but firm.
• If you see someone being treated poorly or in a troubling situation, ask if they would like your assistance. Sometimes that person may be too scared or proud to receive, but offer anyway.
• If you have privileges that are helping you get ahead in life, consider extending these privileges to others who need to get ahead, too. Teach free a class on using computers in a low-income neighborhood. Donate your old laptop to someone. If you have any other skills that could be transfered to others for their benefit, take the time to teach that.
• Raise awareness on issues. Use your talents to reach an audience through video, Twitter, your blog, your voice online to let people know what is going on. My favorite hero doing this is Beth Kanter. She rocks. Her dedication is unfaltering.

There are hundreds of things you can do big and small to be a hero and these things you do won’t always be popular (I’m a regular party pooper in social situations when I shut down racist and/or sexist remarks), however, every little bit helps to keep us from getting closer to Gotham. And we don’t need Bruce Wayne’s billions or Peter Parker’s radioactive spider blood, either. We all have gifts to offer.

Of course, I would be remiss not to mention HeroCamp, an event which is to profit nobody attending or organizing it, but a whole schwack of heroes are getting behind the idea of creating programs that create more heroes. That would also be a good step.

So this is not a review, but the movie did impact me. I walked home from the theatre asking myself if I could do it. If I could really be a hero. If I was prepared to be selfless, ethical, egoless, take action and non-discriminatory in my heroism. I hope so. I strive for it. I know I have a long way to go, but I can’t imagine living on the earth for any other reason but to reach that goal.

How about you?

My friend and WOM guru Andy Sernovitz is hosting a small-group word of mouth marketing seminar. Usually he only does private training for companies at a very large price, so this is a rare chance for 50 people to get the best introduction to word of mouth that there is.

I’ve arranged for a $250 discount for my friends and readers. Use code “welovecitizenagency” when you register.

This is a very practical, hands-on course. In one intense day, you will:

• Master the five steps of word of mouth marketing
• Construct an action plan that your company can start using the very next day
• Get the same training that big corporations (Microsoft, TiVo, eBay) have received — for a fraction of what they paid
• Know how to translate word of mouth marketing into real ROI
• Participate in an active, intense day of practical brainstorming (not boring theory)
• Learn from Andy Sernovitz, the guy who literally wrote the book on word of mouth marketing

Andy promises you will learn a repeatable, proven marketing framework that is easy to execute, affordable, and provides measurable results within 60 days.

More information here.

Chicago: July 30 and September 4

Pass it on here.