This past month and a half has been a little rocky for me. In the future, I’m sure that I will refer to it as a blip on the positive momentum of my life, but today, it still feels a little overwhelming.
But the positive part of all of this is what I have learnt from my involvement in online communities: ‘friends’ on social networks sometimes REALLY ARE friends.
Don’t listen to the naysayers who will scoff at the idea that anyone can find intimacy through their online connections. I’ve known more than one social network addict that has received ample support, including late night phonecalls, offers of dinners, shoulders to cry on and generally helpful feedback when feeling blue, angry or otherwise down in the dumps. One of these social network addicts is me. The outpouring of support from my friends on Twitter, Facebook, Flickr and this blog has been overwhelming. Of course, many of my friends are people I already knew offline or have met in person since meeting online. But I also have a good number of friends I have never met in person, but where incredibly supportive and helpful when I really felt alone.
And, even more heartening is the fact that my messy emotional tweeting, blogging, facebooking and Flickring has brought me closer to people in general. Sure, there may be some that were turned off or felt uncomfortable with the raw emotion I was putting out there, but those I heard from were incredibly touched, inspired and even impressed that I was so open and honest about my pain. I had comments like:
“Keep it up. It’s helping me come to terms with my own divorce.”
“My daughter just went through a sad breakup. I’ve been showing her your tweets to help her through. It’s working.”
“Your bravery makes me love your work even more.”
I may have been previously apprehensive to tweet something as personal as: “We were supposed to be forever. How could he stop loving me and fall in love with her so quickly?” txt out to the world, lest I lose my professional luster, as I had previously posted that I would be maturely going forward with this breakup. And it wasn’t a lie or a PR spin, but I truly didn’t know how hard it would be, especially with twists in the events such as Chris starting a new relationship within weeks of the split. At that moment, I let down professional boundaries and let my fully human side splash all over the internet.
And who knows? Perhaps I have lost some professional luster to some. But for those who responded, I was someone they trusted just a little bit more. My vulnerability seemed to make me more qualified to be a community consultant. Citizen Agency had more inquiries, not fewer. I’ve had endless lunches, dinners, coffees, etc. with people who are all interested in working with me…and us.
And what of that Transition statement Chris and I made?
I am still committed to it. I believe in and love our work too much to throw it away. That being said, we no longer hold the naive view that it is going to be an easy transition. It’s going to take work and patience…and we are going to go to a couples counselor to work through this stuff (this time as a business ‘couple’, not romantic couple). Both of us are raw on many levels, but we will try our best not to let it hurt our work. We will also forgive one another if it does.
In the meantime, I keep reaching out to my old and new friends online who have provided me with a great outlet as well as a great deal of support. They may be icons and avatars on the screen, but there are real, breathing, feeling people behind them.
6 Comments
No matter how hard it becomes in the short term, estrangement is worse.
It’s what’s called “Fighting the Good Fight.”
Ain’t easy.
I’ve been online since 1984, and I can’t imagine my life without my online - and offline - friends. But I do feel you on the frustration of convincing people that online friends have value too.
I love the blog. I’m sorry for your difficulties. One step at a time (this and other cliches offered…)
Its funny how we see being honest and human (broken hearts and all) as being brave. I viscerally feel that, too, which seems very silly b/c I (and we all) know that everybody hurts.
Still, Miss T - I think it speaks a lot about your work that your raw humanity seems so consistent with your business. That’s magic.
Would you have had the opportunity to see that if you and your fella hadn’t split? Probs not. That’s dome damn good lemondade made out of one heckuva lemon.
Go on girl, you’ll be fine.
I really think you are like the Opera of professionally expressing emotions. I wish more people could be so open, strong and elegant.
Really, when you live one way 99% of the time, it doesn’t really make sense to do a 180 on an occasion when something big happens (either good or bad, but usually bad). The people you share with are the people you share with, corporeal or not, and not being physically present doesn’t by definition mean people are less empathetic or sincere or real.
Now, changing how you live/communicate based on what you need at a given time, for a given length of time, is something entirely different than doing it for others’ sense of decorum. You’re going to go through periods of feeling betrayed anyway; the last thing you need is to feel like you’re betraying yourself.
And the complete separation of church and state with regards to business and personal relationships continues to dissolve, I think. It has to — human interaction silos aren’t compatible with a culture that strives for collaboration, conversation, and transparency.
Anyway, to paraphrase “Goin’ on a Lion Hunt”: can’t go over it, can’t go under it, can’t go around it, might as well go through it.
I’ve had to call on my online social network friends a number of times when I’ve fallen. Sometimes I didn’t need to reach out at all: my silence seemed to do it for me. I have often said to my ‘real life friends’ (I hate that term) that you guys get me better than anyone and are often more helpful by knowing from personal experience how to draw on similar strengths to get through it all. These social networks we are creating aren’t all false. I have made MANY connections based on interests, lifestyles, values and experiences, which is actually more than I can say about some people I see in person every day, and more, I’m certain, than the socweb naysayers can say about some of the people they call “real friends”. The equation for me is simple: the more you put into the community, the more you’ll get out of it. You are proof of that for me.
I think most would be surprised how much this crowd (YOUR crowd) relies on each other and are there when you’re hurting. I appreciate that you have the courage speak publicly about it all and value the trust you have in us (and this new social medium) to be able to do so. None of this is easy. It must be tricky because many of us out here, on flickr and facebook and twitter, haven’t known you except as part of the power team, and respect you both.
Use these new business and personal networks (and us) to grow from it all. You really DO have friends here. I think you’ll find, like everything, if you stay sincere and genuine –I’m sure you wouldn’t have it any other way — everyone gets more out of it.
Take care girl. And just in case you weren’t sure already, I’m easy to find. Call me any time. Sometimes people who actually AREN’T right there can provide a perspective that you didn’t think about before. Hugs! Lisamac.
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[...] February 22, 2008 Yes. Internet Friends can also be Friends in real life (Tara Hunt) http://www.horsepigcow.com/2008/02/21/yes-internet-friends-can-also-be-friends-irl/ [...]
Chris5topher…
I was thinking the same thing…
[...] Tara Hunt made a similar point in this post: Yes. Internet Friends can also be Friends IRL [...]