Every now and then, I get the kind of questions that make the hair on the back of my neck stand up. These questions are worse for women than any kind of overt sexism. Worse than saying, “girls aren’t good at math”. Worse than saying, “I don’t care about your coding skillz, yer hot.” The question is:
“Aren’t you afraid, as a woman, about being so open online?”
One of my favorite kickass chick songs ever was No Doubt’s “I’m Just a Girl”. Gwen Stefani’s lyrics totally resonated with me:
Oh…I’ve had it up to here!
The moment that I step outside
So many reasons
For me to run and hide
I can’t do the little things I hold so dear
‘Cause it’s all those little things
That I fear
I can’t remember when it was that I really noticed that, as a female, I was being sheltered and shaded for reasons I couldn’t comprehend. My brother, who was smaller than me was encouraged to take risks. To climb higher. To take bus rides alone. He was brave and growing up. Even cute sometimes. Me? I was being unladylike or exposing myself to danger. I was no tomboy, far from it. There I was, in my pink, frilly party dress climbing the tree and taking candy from strangers. When I got older, being a girl meant that I was at risk of being assaulted, yet boys in my grade could stay out all night. On those delicious occasions I was able to sneak out, the ones I viewed being hurt where the guys, who, after a few too many brewskies, got in a fight or worse, got behind the wheel.
In university, there were posters for self-defense classes for women all around. There were stories of women being followed, stalked, assaulted and raped. A girl had to watch herself. “Don’t walk on campus after dark without someone around.” Me? I was defiant. I don’t know why. I would drink down half of a pitcher of beer, then walk crookedly, happily across the dark campus, through the dark neighbourhood all the way home. I remember people freaking out at me, “Are you trying to get killed?” I don’t think I was. I guess I just wanted to continue to feel invincible. I looked around me at all of the boys who acted like they were invincible and I wanted to feel the same power.
And I wasn’t a stranger to being hurt. The two times I had been in a scary situation, though, were with people I knew and trusted. Somehow, I felt that being in public was making me safer. I wasn’t alone. In second year Women’s Studies class, I found out some statistics that backed up my suspicions. I can’t find the information now (it’s buried under pages and pages of FUD, unfortunately), but my professor told me that men are more likely to be assaulted in public (by a stranger) and women are more likely to be attacked in private (by someone she knows).
Fast forward to living my crazy life online. I guess I have never questioned my safety, but I get reminded of it constantly. At any given time, you can pretty much tell where I am, what I’m doing, who I’m with, what I’m feeling and where I’m going to next. People know what I’m thinking (whether they want to or not…lol). They pretty much know what I stand for. I fuck up. I celebrate. And I generally live every raw moment I feel comfortable with online…to nearly cringe-worthy levels.
And, I suppose that this makes me a really easy target for all sorts of nefarious activity, but no more than the men who work in the industry. In fact, and as many of them have reported, the guys tend to get as many, if not more death, violence and sexual mutilation threats as the women do. Robert Scoble once told me that it is pretty constant. Yet, when Kathy was threatened, it hit the national news. The reason it went that far is that every person and their dog decided to ‘come to the rescue’ for Kathy. Somehow she needed saving or protecting. Someone prominent even called me in the middle of this and said something to the tune of, “She is fragile and we have to protect her.”
I’m certainly not saying to belittle the real fear that Kathy was feeling. She is a wonderful person and she didn’t do anything to deserve anything awful that was said about her. ::Personally, I think that Kathy’s initial post was a very defiant act where she said, “I’m not standing for this anymore”. It is the storm that ensued after that where the fear was created.:: It was the hyperbolization of her incident was damaging to the future of women in technology. ::The CNN portrayal of Kathy as a ‘cute kitten’ and the lengthy camera shots that portrayed her as looking frail became lasting beacons for helplessness.:: ::Somehow, this incident has become the flagship for a culture of fear for women online.::
[::amended for clarity::]
I’ve received endless emails from women who mention the incident, telling me that they are ‘more careful’ of how much they participate in online discussions. They blog less. They make their twitter’s private, their flickr photos ‘friends only’ and they limit their openness in the variety of social networks out there.
And then we wonder where the women are?
Man, it sounds as if they are cowering in the shadows of the most empowering medium I’ve ever encountered! But where do you think those “invincible young guys” get all of their attention? Cowering? Hiding? No. Blogging. Forums. Being open. Out there. In their posted work on the social networks.
I received this email from a woman trying to break into technology recently:
“How does a woman become more public personally and professionally while also protecting her privacy and safety online? … As a web & graphic designer, it’s essential that I become more visible online and in the web industry. It seems natural and easy for my male counterparts to network with each other online and I want to be part of this day-to-day community…There are risks that women are more likely to face anywhere in life. Was using your real name a conscious choice for you? How did you reach that decision? How do you feel about it now? … ”
I read this and my heart sank. She also cited Kathy’s incident as an example of how she has been ‘warned’.
My theory? The precise reason that people bully others is to shut them up. 9 times out of 10, they don’t want to harm them physically, they want to silence them. However, this tactic doesn’t seem to work too well on men. I don’t know what Scoble, Pirillo and Arrington use as coping methods, but the continue to blog and live pretty open lives online. And I’m SURE it effects them. Unfortunately, we have some pretty high profile incidents where women have stopped blogging because of the same bullying. And, even worse, it resonates beyond the women who shut down. I’ve heard “Ever since the Kathy Sierra incident, I’ve ” too many times to feel comfortable.
Are women more at risk than men? Really? Are there statistics that show a significantly higher amount of physical harm coming to a woman who has put herself ‘out there’ than for a man? Or is it just empty threats? And the empty threats? Are they more frequent for women? Significantly? Really? I’ve heard the statistics that there are actually MORE women online. That there are actually MORE women blogging. Not significantly more. Like 52% or something. But nobody has come forward to show me where it is unsafe for a woman to expose her life to a wide audience. I’ve only experienced personal and professional gain, so I’m going off of experience, not heresay.
The ACTUAL danger here is not the danger, itself, but the danger of silencing the myriad of voices through the threat of danger. And you know, I’m going to be the ballsy (dangerous) broad I am and continue to challenge every single person who even hints towards the theory that women are less safe than men online. Because, truly, I would rather die for my convictions than live in fear any day.
June 13th, 2007 at 7:37 pm
THANK you. Needed saying. You go sister thing!
June 13th, 2007 at 7:41 pm
I admire your thoughts on this matter. We share the same sentiments. If more and more women seek refuge in anonymity then it would be so disheartening. Who will then be the voice? Silence will not fix anything either (in the long run). Just need to find the median.
June 13th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
Cheers, and then some. This is the kind of mentality that is frustratingly difficult to get across and you’ve done an eloquent job. You’ve aced the process of weighing the infinite benefits of being exposed, even on a minute level compared to how you live your life, against the finite opportunities for something awful to happen.
Its hard for me to identify as a man BUT I do have a girlfriend who lives with me in a city known for crime and violence. She does bike to work alone before the sun comes up. Do I worry? Does she? Should she? No. Should she be AWARE of her surroundings at all time, and be prepared? Absoluetly. That’s for ANYONE who lives with any level of vulnerability, be it in “real life” or online. Know your surroundings. Benefit from all of the amazing things that are definitely happening around you rather than live in fear of the terrible things that might (or might not) happen.
Once more, cheers.
June 13th, 2007 at 7:45 pm
This was a very powerful post and has me thinking. I am male and have no problems putting myself out there. I am also a married to a wonderful person and really don’t have any issues having her put herself out there online. The Kathy Sierra event was horrible unprovoked attack on her, but we as humans have to stand up for ourselves and not cower and be bullied by online attackers. If I or my wife were threatened in anyway by somebody online, I could not stand for it lying down. It would make me even more hungry for putting my thoughts and words out there!!!
-Jeff O’Hara
http://blog.zemote.com
http://twitter.com/zemote
June 13th, 2007 at 7:47 pm
It’s perception and social pressure. In many cultures women are seen as something to be protected, even to the extent of killing them if they don’t conform to the rules about being protected (see a recent case in the UK of an ‘honour’ killing. Even in societies where there is alleged equality, there is still that underlying perception, which continues to breed and spread between generations – because it can.
You’re right about the stats – women are more in danger from people they know than strangers, unlike the average male in many societies. But the press and media like to leverage the fear, in the same way they hype about paedophiles and ’stranger danger’ where the number of incidents have not increased and it is still the known person that is the greatest risk.
I had a moment recently – being threatened via MySpace due to mistaken identity – and I know how easy it would be to find me. But then common sense and a reasonable risk assessment kicked in. There’s nothing to fear but fear itself..and you have to live that way or have it all cave in on you. I’ve seen webstalking and harassment, but they happen to all tall poppies, whatever their medium, and it needs to be dealt with from a personal perspective and discouraged from the social.
June 13th, 2007 at 7:59 pm
I find that I when I choose to self-censor and limit what I post online, it is not out of fear of personal attack or injury, but rather primarily to protect the privacy of those around me and to keep them from being forced to choose between sharing their lives with me and maintaining the privacy they believe they have or deserve. Do gender stereotypes influence the degree to which people internalize this sort of ethic?
June 13th, 2007 at 8:00 pm
What a moving & powerful post, Tara !
Violence – explicit or implicit – is a primary tool for patriarchy to try to maintain its grip on power. Too often, men like me push non-white males to the edge – or even worse, “invite” them to “our” table.
I find a lot of meaning in the work of Peggy McIntosh (http://seamonkey.ed.asu.edu/~mcisaac/emc598ge/Unpacking.html) – I am challenged by her quote:
“having described it, what will I do to lessen or end it?”
June 13th, 2007 at 8:03 pm
Amen, sister.
Thanks for saying it out loud. More women need to take your lead.
June 13th, 2007 at 8:05 pm
non-white males should be
non-white non-males
June 13th, 2007 at 8:27 pm
Thank You!
These are such inspirational words delivered with passion and more importantly, a point – there is no need to hide. We must ALL continue to find our voices and force perceptions to change.
Thank you for putting this out there for everyone’s benefit.
June 13th, 2007 at 8:57 pm
Thanks so much for all you say.
It rings true as a woman and as an activist.
I’m especially proud of you for calling out the story on Kathy.
My boyfriend, a friend of Kathy’s, told me her story as it evolved. Only on about the fifth telling did I finally erupt.
She sounds like a loose canon, I told him. She sounds like a *hysteric* freaking out. That’s bad news for all women. Intelligent women everywhere will just ignore this story and try to play it down when it comes up in conversation. So long as Kathy is freaking out about a few tawdry comments on someone else’s blog, she’s repeating the meme of women as weak victims of our civilization. She isn’t modeling a strong reaction: she’s modeling victimhood.
I was afraid to say this out loud.
If secretly, many of us women must have reacted like you to Kathy’s story. At least I hope we did.
Thanks for putting it out in the open. I bet you’ll get a few smackdowns from people who want to defend Kathy, so often these debates become a line in the sand — for us or against us? Stay on the side of women as a whole, and we will thank you in the long run.
June 13th, 2007 at 9:08 pm
Absolutely! Silence will just make things worse…it’s a band aid that will make everyone THINK things are better.
June 13th, 2007 at 9:11 pm
@Raines
“Do gender stereotypes influence the degree to which people internalize this sort of ethic?”
I think so. There is a fine line, though, between respecting someone’s privacy and protecting them. I always ask Tad if he’s cool with me posting photos, etc. He usually is. But if he said he didn’t want me to, I wouldn’t post them. I want to give him agency to make his own choice about the level of disclosure he wants to make about his life. But I would never keep from posting anything to protect anyone.
June 13th, 2007 at 9:20 pm
Awesome. Thanks for your comment.
Now, I hear what you are saying re: victimhood…and I have the same concern for the story around Kathy. However, I don’t think she is a loose canon and her fear was real.
Mostly because she, like many women, come from a long period of being taught to react with fear.It was the media frenzy around her that was the issue. Being there, I know that the fear was real for her. And…to compound all of that, the hysteria around her (tens of thousands of hysterical blog posts from both men and women) only exacerbated her own reaction.I think that, as a friend, what I need to do is help her unravel that reaction. I doubt that she wants to feel like a victim, either. It’s a much better, more powerful feeling to feel defiant and strong. Personally, I’d love to give her the gift of the feeling of invincibility…even just for a day.
[comment amended]
June 13th, 2007 at 9:46 pm
It probably also differs per culture/country. I don’t see that here (Netherlands) the way you are describing Tara, but maybe it has to do with the fact that I am not a women.
Hopefully we don’t treat our daughter that way, she is 7. Actually she has always taken more risks than her brother, he is 10.
Thank you for the insight.
June 13th, 2007 at 10:07 pm
I used to blog using my real identity but after almost a year of doing that, i switched to anonymity. Reason being more and more people sending unwanted mails sometimes scary, sometimes creepy. Plus, Not everyone around me was comfortable with some of the views I posted. I had to defend my views. Why? For me, blog is medium to express my self. I don’t want strangers coming up to me and saying how they agree/disagree with a certain post. Shouldn’t they just leave a comment and let me be? And then I decided, I don’t want them to know it was me who posted a certain rant. I’m happy behind the curtains and not worry what if my boss reads my blog
June 13th, 2007 at 10:10 pm
right on, right on! money quote from the last paragraph:
i, too, broadcast most of my life to anyone who wants to tune in. i guess for now i live by the “until it happens to me” theory. until then, i’ll just continue to knock on wood.
June 13th, 2007 at 11:56 pm
Hurray for Tara!
Really nicely written, so pure from the heart. I get these kind of questions too. I feel exactly the same. Since being online with the blog and slowly growing I’ve only experienced joy, new friendships, new business relationships and more inner satisfaction which eventually reflects back on my work. The few trolls that commented in the past on the blog are nothing and I couldn’t care less, I pity them, I grow some elephant skin and move on. Every woman out there should read this article. You earned a link on my approved list 
June 14th, 2007 at 12:12 am
Wow! Great post. I find it interesting that it’s always my male friends who question whether or not I should be so visible online.
I really value my online life. I’ve met some wonderful, fun, clever, interesting, thoughtful people online.
June 14th, 2007 at 1:46 am
Amen to that!
I must’ve shouted “yes!!” at least a dozen times while reading this. I agree completely with what you’re saying!
From the moment I started blogging, I was told to be careful. Granted I don’t give my full home address or necessarily broadcast when my house is going to be empty, but as far as saying how I feel on a certain topic, I’ve never wanted the fact that I’m not a man stop me from sharing what’s on my mind.
I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again; Tara, you’re an inspiration and a kickass Canadian chick. Positive contributions to communities make the world go ’round. As a woman or a man, we shouldn’t inhibit our creativity and need to communicate for fear of something bad happening. There’s too much good stuff out there, I refuse to miss out on it!
It’s like refusing to travel the world, for fear of a plane crash, it’s a real shame when it becomes a barrier to enjoying life!
June 14th, 2007 at 2:02 am
excellent post. and a good reminder for a mother of daughter who has a wild, fearless heart. i’m worried that all my worry about what could happen to her is collapsing her confidence in what she can accomplish by throwing caution to the wind.
and while i don’t want to judge KS, i do think that her case reaks of some big boys wanting to shut up a pretty girl they just don’t like.
June 14th, 2007 at 3:53 am
Tara, very interesting discussion you’ve brought up. Might I point you in the direction of George Lakoff for a discussion of the US psyche and protection of women in both Moral Politics and Don’t Think of the Elephant. While reading your comments the discussions held in those were lighting up in my mind.
Regards,
Joel
June 14th, 2007 at 4:14 am
Yes yes to this. I couldn’t believe the awful hyperbole of the Kathy Sierra incident and I was extremely disappointed when she stopped blogging because of it. Her fear is understandable it was not the reaction I was looking for from an older role model.
I started anonymous but as I have opened up with my real name, my real thoughts, and the process of bringing my online life and real life closer together through meetups and facebook, etc, I get more opportunities, meet more awesome people, and always get closer to that x-factor which I guess is becoming what I was meant to be. Fear would kill all of that.
Now I’m not stupid. I don’t post anything I wouldn’t stand up for in real life and I won’t work for anyone who disapproves of the blog. My niche is narrow and my blog is only tangentially personal. Nasty emails and comments have been limited to criticising my fashion sense =)… but I’m very careful to take even these passive aggressive little crap comments in stride because it drives me nuts when I see bloggers take that stuff personally. It gives the haters what they want and I hate seeing them win, like they did with Sierra.
Anyway, thanks Tara for a great post!
June 14th, 2007 at 6:14 am
After being active online for over a dozen years, I began using my last name in “public” only in the last six months or so.
I’m just going to say amen to what Danielle above me wrote, so much holds true for me as well.
I’ve had family members express concern over my suddenly more public persona, but I honestly don’t feel that I’ve taken on any additional risk. I respect the privacy of my husband and kids when I write online, and my rule has always been never say anything online I wouldn’t want my in-laws to read. Now it’s just easier for them to find it and read it
.
Great post, Tara!
June 14th, 2007 at 7:10 am
To echo other commenters: sing it, sista!
I’m glad to see I’m not the only one getting a bit rankled at the presumed victimhood. I actually have a sketch of a (significantly angrier) essay much along these lines… and now you’ve shown me how it can be done so tactfully and gracefully, I’ll have to really step up to the plate.
Thanks for telling it like it is… and being a great role model.
June 14th, 2007 at 7:34 am
i have been keeping a blog (in the old days it was called an “online journal”) since 1993. I have always been open and honest, especially about my childhood and the mental problems I’ve had resulting from it. In the early days I used a pseudonym but as I became more brave, and eventually published a memoir about my life under my real name, I “outed” myself.
Being who I really am under my own name has brought freedom and hope, not only to me but to hundreds of others. Many women appreciate that I don’t keep silent. I have been threatened ocasionally (one reader said they would cut out my daughter’s tongue) but I have always felt safer being forthright and honest. Secrets and threats thrive in the silence and darkness. The more we as women can throw open the curtains and live in the light, the more the world undrstands how it feels to be a woman in the dark. The more we teach each other about open vulnerability and honesty, the more we learn about being real.
It’s not easy, certainly, to be online and vulnerable. But it’s inexplicably beautiful.
thanks for this post,
renee
June 14th, 2007 at 9:20 am
I feel terribly sad about what happened to Kathy, and it mirrors the larger discussion happening in the political ’sphere. This week there was a post on Time’s uppity political blog where the poster decried the vicious, mean spirited tone of the blogosphere… and followed this immediately by telling these unnamed bloggers to go to hell. In the same sentence.
You can’t make this stuff up.
When people get involved in politics for the first time one of the occasionally shocking things is the amount of negative energy you’re exposed to. There is a whole lot of hating going on in the world: The happy little GOTV phone call that turns into a diatribe against immigrant. The social justice organizing meeting that seems to be going well until someone stands up and says “we have to organize ourselves or the [insert other oppressed group here] are going to take over.” The post on racism in a political party that attracts dozens of (what else?) blatantly racist comments.
My hope is that knowing this kind of stuff is out there is the first step in fixing it. Great post Tara.
June 14th, 2007 at 10:01 am
Must be nice to be as ‘flexible’ in view, as you are Tara.
June 14th, 2007 at 1:29 pm
Whoohoo! How you talk! You have written my conviction, exactly. I am not going to live my life in fear. Living in a dark corner, trying to stay safe, ain’t living.
I have had women tell me that I’m crazy for walking outside alone! I love to go to the parks and trails around here and walk in the woods.
I’m getting ready to go on one of my famous road trips. I have driven alone all over the place. I know I’ve hit every state on the western half of the US. But I can’t get ready for one of these trips without remembering the woman who asked me once, “You’re driving alone? Aren’t you afraid that you’ll get lost?”
This is when it really hit me how much we are taught to be afraid of living our lives without the protection of men.
I agree with you that, although what happened to Kathy was awful, what is far worse is the effect it has had on women in technology, overall.
You’ve prompted me to do some digging in my own community. A year ago, two women were attacked and killed as they were hiking on one of the popular local trails. The crime occurred during the week, when the trail was not heavily trafficked. The perpetrator was never found. I don’t know how often people are killed on hiking trails around here, but because this instance involved two women, the message has been broadcast loud and often that women shouldn’t go ANYWHERE alone. It gets my back up, it really does. And I refuse to avoid the hiking trails because of these murders.
I refuse to avoid living because anyone tells me I should.
Thanks for the post!
June 14th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
[I have removed the contents of this post as per the author's request] – but thank her for her feedback which led us to an awesome personal discussion.
June 14th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
Kathy,
I am going to amend my post to make it utterly clear that it was not YOU, but many AROUND YOU that created fear.
Personally, I think that your post was a wonderful, defiant act, standing up for yourself. It is the storm that ensued after that where the fear was created.
I will amend my post to reflect that.
June 14th, 2007 at 3:34 pm
I also applaud Kathy for the courage and sacrifice involved in her publicly airing her situation, and feel that it is unfair to judge her based on the responses that ensued and the direction that many of them took.
However, I also think it is important to note that those who retreat into silence or obscurity or privacy based on an assumption that they are “safe” in a less-public situation are deluding themselves. Open your eyes to the statistics of violent crime – it exists around us all the time. I have been a victim of violence, once by someone I knew well and trusted, and once behind the locked door of my own home by two uninvited strangers with no respect for locks. My own decision was that, despite a requirement to physically heal from the damage that was done, I would not permit them to do me the additional damage of making me change who/what I am. I am a friendly and gregarious person who enjoys helping other people accomplish things they might not otherwise do – and I am aware of the risks associated with my choice to deal in this manner in our society. I expect no kudos, and I expect no judgement, and I occasionally receive one or the other anyway. I will not retreat and be careful, nor silent.
June 14th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
You said you don’t expect kudos, but just let me say this:
Rock on Edna. Thanks for sharing!
June 14th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
Thanks for the references, Joel! I’ve added them to my reading list.
Actually, I think I’ve been referred the “Don’t think of the Elephant” before.
June 14th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I totally want to protect my son, too. It’s sooooo hard to resist the urge!
June 14th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
Vero,
Tara, you’re an inspiration and a kickass Canadian Chick.
And Peaches is a kickass Canadian Woman who doesn’t wear flip-flops.
June 14th, 2007 at 7:04 pm
Hmmm… I was too harsh in my previous response. Tara’s goal is a good one–to stop women from using what happened to me as their reason for not blogging publicly. The fact is, I blogged for more than two years before anything ‘creepy’ happened, and I think that for most people, there’s very little to fear and many wonderful things to gain from blogging.
Most bloggers who have trouble are either writing controversial and inflammatory posts, or highly visible in a specific field. Blogging is one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done, and I don’t regret my initial decision to blog under my own name.
June 14th, 2007 at 11:19 pm
Excellent post Tara
When all this hyperbole started I wrote to an American friend mentioning I was thinking of writing a similar post,he gave me a panicked overview saying “oh this lady has been attacked” and I backed off. Its time to fight the fear for both sexes, get out and start living.
June 15th, 2007 at 6:14 am
Just made my Twitter public because of you! It was the last thing behind the curtain.
If they really want to kill me, they’ll find a way. Hiding isn’t going to help.
Thanks for being an inspiration!
June 16th, 2007 at 5:45 pm
Interesting that we view women’s apparent vulnerability as a sign of frailty and weakness. Rather than, for example, viewing male rage and violence as envy of women’s power and strength, the masculine wish to break and subjugate them because they are threatened. This isn’t New Agey “goddess” stuff I’m talking about — just a recognition of the many real advantages women have.
In most traditional cultures, women were keenly aware of their strength. The idea of female frailty took off during the Victorian period, and only in certain classes (i.e., the women in the factories weren’t expected to be frail). The pink frilly dresses and not letting girls play is a hangover.
Say what you want, blog what you want, keep your home number unlisted and carry pepperspray. Violence against women is a reality. But taking reasonable precautions doesn’t mean “cowering” — it’s all the way you choose to look at it.
June 17th, 2007 at 9:37 pm
Great post Tara!
I laughed when I read the last comment by Cynthia, particularly
It reminded me of when I did feminist philosophy at university, and how we had women shouting down the guys in class for daring to ask questions. Or refusing to allow males to attend all but one tutorial time (so the women didn’t have to suffer any men in their tutorial.
Wherever you are, there are always people who will try to keep you down, you either let them or you don’t.
Sometimes it is hard to not let them keep you down but in the end it is up to you.
I always hate to see this question being made about male vs female because I don’t see it that way. I think there are creepy, annoying and selfish people of each gender, white, brown, yellow and pink.
I like what Tara is saying here in decrying the attitude of building walls all over the place. Supporting each other is great (necessary), but it is good to still interact with all the others you can. That is too hard if you are hiding.
June 19th, 2007 at 7:58 am
p.s. Let me amend my comment a bit. I guess I have always viewed men’s propensity to violence, their habit of resolving difficulties by threatening or hitting someone, as a sign of THEIR weakness, not mine. My need to sensibly protect myself, without “hiding,” is just common sense.
June 19th, 2007 at 1:21 pm
Well said, I’m gonna nick this subject for my blog post I think.
I hate this whole -oh you’ve got to be so safe and anonymous, who knows what’ll happen otherwise- thing. I mean -yeah there are dangers with being online, but it’s dangerous crossing the street too.
July 3rd, 2007 at 2:25 pm
I have a friend who has a creepy stalker hacker ex, recently released from jail after serving a rather too short sentence for a horrific attack on her. she stays anonymous online because she has an actual nut job who may try to find and attack her again. he is not a random stranger who will find her online and try to attack her; to be a likely victim of attacks by strangers it helps to be a 30-year old man. they are far and away the most common victims. in the (counts on fingers) 17 years I’ve been on the Net and the Web I’ve had maybe three sick emails and I’ve used my own name and written personal details; I’ve also chosen to keep deeply personal information in closed forums because that’s where I want it to be. In fact I’ve been propositioned much more repulsively in person (I looked 18 at 14 and that gets you attention from some disturbed individuals) but I’d have to search my memory for the details. I wasn’t brought up to feel I wouldn’t be safe at night, out on my own and I’m very glad of it. This assumption that as a woman you’re just not safe is disempowering and dangerous, patronising and in the West at least not at all accurate.
July 5th, 2007 at 6:29 pm
To others who may me inspired to follow suit, consider that many of the most powerful people on the planet value discretion above all else. Fear is not an issue precisely because they are working from a position of strength. Think carefully on the value of your anonymity before forfeiting it.
July 7th, 2007 at 1:47 am
Thanx from Fremantle, Western Lostralia, da “Map of Tazzie” DownUnder ! Yum.
July 8th, 2007 at 5:32 am
Well said Tara. I would add that part of what keeps women cowering is just a disproportionate part of what keeps all of humanity cwering. The fear of being ourselves out loud in public is audacious. It might >makes someone else uncomfortable
July 22nd, 2007 at 10:30 am
Found your text in weekly called “Internazionale” which translates articles published all over the world into Italian. Wanted to say “Thank you, Tara!”. I was warned by many women in Italy to not going out on my own after dawn but I always did for many years. The riskiest situation I ever found myself in was when a huge guy stepped into my way one night in a park. He looked at me closely and said: “Your shoe-laces are open, lady” (He was right) We had an icecream together and that was it…
Sometimes I think there are a lot of women who tend to hide behind the excuse of danger for coquetterie, lazieness and/or calculation: It makes you seem vulnerabile and cute and maybe even more interesting for certain guys.
Having an opinion and speaking it out loud instead is not always easy and surely not appreciated by everyone; so why not choose the easy way: “I would if I only could but I can’t because it puts me in danger”.