…and the people who feed him…
For years, I have struggled with enormous bouts of self-doubt. I think many or most people suffer from the same affliction. You know? That little voice in your head that says, “You don’t deserve this.” “Everyone is going to call you out for the idiot you are.” “You are so much plainer than all of the other girls here.” I remember sitting around with a group of grad students years ago, commiserating around this topic. Even though this group of brilliant Ph.D.’s felt the same nagging doubts and we all felt temporarily better that we weren’t alone, all of us returned to the outside world with the same self-loathing.
I don’t think it is the fear of failure that plagues most of us and holds us back from taking the kinds of risks we need to in order to achieve our goals, I truly think it is the fear of success that is our biggest stumbling block.
Watching the movie The Two Towers the other night, I watched the character Gollum wrestle out loud with this same phenomenon. One half of him was positive, trusting the relationships around him, the other half was negative, abusing the positive half. By the end of that chapter, the negative half convinced the positive half that he was wrong, that a single slip up on the part of Frodo meant that his friendship meant nothing. That he wasn’t trustworthy. In that character, I recognized that same phenomenon that happens when, after hundreds of positive comments, a single negative word can throw me into throes of self-doubt again. And I’m not alone.
So, in order to combat it, I’ve spent years working on silencing my inner Gollum. I’ve beaten him down. Ignored him. Yelled at him. Battled him. Hidden from him. Everything I can do to vanquish him from my life. But something in that negative handling of that side of me just serves to strengthen the hold he has over me. And today, I said to a friend, “I wish I just had a pill to make him go away.”
She reflected on this and asked, “Have you ever tried to make peace with him?”
Peace? Gah. He’s AWFUL. He’s mean and spiteful and hurts me. Peace? No…I just want him gone.
But then I reflected on it.
What a novel idea.
Back in my Women’s Studies classes, we spent entire semesters unraveling our racism, homophobia and other negative (fear of ‘the other’) feelings we had. We were asked to unpack them in safe spaces and put them out without judgment to our peers, then we would gently ‘talk’ to those feelings and figure out where they came from, where they were going, why they were angry or defensive or sad. All of a sudden, all of these awful things that flash through one’s mind that you stifle in total shame (fear of a group of black youths? discomfort with two men holding hands or kissing? see Crash for an interesting insight) - and we all have them, even those who are at the receiving end of discrimination (internalized homophobia and racism etc. are common) - all of a sudden, you’ve put those knee jerk reactions and images in front of you to look deeply into. I can’t tell you what a freeing exercise that was! No more ‘white middleclass’ shame (not a helpful feeling), it’s a continuously healthy unpacking (helpful)…
I hadn’t even thought of applying that same exercise to my own inner loathing. My fear of myself.
My exercise started today:
Inner Gollum: “You don’t deserve to be speaking.”
Unpack. Reflect. Cringe. Swallow. Unpack some more. Pause.
Me: “Why would you think that? I’m curious. Many people have enjoyed and told me they’ve gotten much out of what I’ve said.”
“Don’t you remember that guy who called you a waste of time? Who said that everyone he talked to thought you were a train wreck?”
“Yes, I do. And he was partially right. I know that I wasn’t as prepared for that talk as I should have been. I also recognize that he already had a bias. I don’t think he would have liked me if I had said everything right. I learnt a great deal from that day and have grown alot from it.”
“You didn’t deserve to be up there.”
“Maybe not. But I was. And there were even some people who came up to me afterwards who were excited to talk more, which was hopeful. My talk a week and a half later went extremely well because of what I learnt that day. I was able to recognize what I needed to do to deliver a much better presentation that I can be proud of.”
And so on…(it dragged on for hours, really)
There is something to be learnt from that inner Gollum, of course. That’s another reason why stomping him down isn’t useful. For me, Gollum has been what pushes me to do better work, to think deeper, to understand my motivations. However, letting Gollum take over can lead to serious self-loathing, depression, paralysis of creativity, defensiveness, shame and overall unhelpful places.
Connecting with my inner Gollum is bound to be a long term project. He’s awfully angry and scared. He’s mostly just afraid of not being needed anymore. I have to remind him that he’s always needed. He’s what keeps me grounded. My yang. (Or is that yin?)
14 Comments
Hey Tara,
I hope that confronting your inner gollum goes well. Self doubt can be a difficult thing to cope with.
It may help you to know that my wife is going through some similar things. She’s the only woman at her company and she’s a project manager, so she tends to get some guff and compaints from some of the guys. I know that one of the things helps her is seeing women like you and Carrie Bickner at SXSW was a huge boost to here confidence.My wife was almost ready to give up but after SXSW she was recharged and ready to go.
You’ve motivated people to take positive action in their communities and be more confident that they can be successful in doing what they love. That’s something that the Inner Gollum can never take away.
Thanks for this post. Here’s a little exercise for putting the inner Gollum in perspective: Make a list of people in your life who are brilliant, kind, talented, etc., and also happen to think highly of you. Then imagine a scene like those Verizon commercials where the guy has his whole network following him around. Your inner Gollum won’t disappear, but he’ll fade into the crowd.
(now, off to follow my own advice, inspired by your timely post…)
You know where your gollum is…
But where is your Chumby?
You appear to have miss placed him.
http://www.tangler.com/group/5759/topic/9686
We will be in touch.
Brainz
There’s something similar in a book on zen meditation I return to frequently which is to simply ask ‘why?’ at each negative thought, each moment of fear, rage, daydream of triumph (or disaster)…Just ‘why am I thinking this?’ The end of the chain so often seems to be ‘because I’m afraid.’ Why? Then my troublesome ’self’ (whatever that is) frequently gets reduced to momentary, blushing silence. Though I really do mean momentary…
Very interesting post. I have a name for my inner Gollum. It’s Orpha. She’s a monstrous witch-like creature who generally sleeps in a dark cave. I can hear her rumble and stir whenever I feel genuinely happy. She thinks she is protecting me from disappointment. She’s wrong. I used to get scared when she woke from her slumber and started spewing invective about how nothing good ever lasts, but now I just stop for a minute, let her settle back to sleep and go on with my happy day.
I think this is a very worthy issue for you to be looking at. This is also something I am currently looking to improve upon. I don’t know that I will ever be completely finished.
I read a book called Fearless Living by Rhonda Britten and found it to be very helpful. Many good exercises in there, like:
1. Making a list of things you are grateful for everyday
2. Making a list of things that help you release fear and making notes when you have done one of those positive actions
If you have time I would recommend you get the book. Actually, if you want it just shoot me an email and I will send you mine to keep….I’m done with it. Well not done, but you know what I mean.
The biggest scary thing in my life right now, moving to SF..ha!
How brave and strong you are, thank you. Alan.
Maybe your inner Gollum needs his own twitter account.
I so needed to read an inspiring post like this! Thank you!
Gollum… You loved him and hated him at the same time. You wanted to believe he could be reformed, but in the end, his lower nature got the best of him. Clever post…
Ok, I wanted to post something meaningful but I snorted Diet Coke up my nose giggling at giving your inner Gollum a twitter account.
This post is awesome but I have to go sneeze.
You rule Tara,
Betsy (catching up on reading ya)
really nice article, i have a same problem.
but he’s learnt not to bother me that much, which is a good thing.
sometimes when things like that get me down i imagine this great big fiery angel behind me pushing me on, giving me the confidence to succeed and scaring all my enemies into submission.
…othertimes a throw a paddy, but then my girlfriend waves her finger at me and hugs me better.
all the best,
John.
My Gollum is crazy and bossy. Not a big fan of that Gollum. But worse is the “Eye of Mordor”– focusing intently on something to the point it turns negative and withers under the gaze…
I hate that. lol.
Tara, I loved your post and really appreciated your ability to share something like this. It’s often difficult to allow others to see the cracks in our public facades, and your willingness to do so demonstrates your inner strength of character.
Thanks for the inspiration!
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