Mortal
I arrived at the Caltrain station slightly late this morning to find out my train hadn't left anyway. In fact, no trains would be leaving until they could clear a 'significant obstruction' in Mountain View.
That 'significant obstruction' was/is a human being.
This is thefifth suicide third suicide (+2 accidents) a la Caltrain this year. When the announcer masks it with a non-personal reference, we still know. We pause. We identify. We see it in our mind's eye. We mourn. Egad, when you throw yourself in front of one of these beasts, you really want to die. There is no cry for help. It's final. I would imagine the pain is brief. But it's over. There is no going back. Even if, by some miracle you survived such a violent impact, you would probably never know it.
I know. I'm sounding incredibly morbid. It's unlike me. But this sort of thing is makes me feel incredible mortal. It makes me stop and wonder about the level of pain one would have to endure before they did this. Was it the loss of love? Did the future seem doomed? Futile? I can't quite grip it, but I don't want to judge.
I've been having a few health 'issues' lately. Nothing big, just stuff that, if ignored, could potentially slow me down. But I haven't slowed down to take care of them. I put work and my ideas of changing the world ahead of personal health and home too often. So, I finally made an appointment to look into everything and this weekend, instead of working through, Chris and I are taking Tad to the Exploratorium.
This morning's train suicide announcement just gives me that extra impetus to remember that no matter what issues I'm facing (deadlines looming, mucked up UI, bad reviews, registration numbers, needing to push back another meeting, etc.), there is a bigger picture here that is a helluva lot more important than anything I can get myself all stressed out over in my day-to-day work.
This, of course, doesn't mean that I stop caring about my work...just that I start prioritizing health and home a little more because it IS significant. I think there may even be some kooky people out there that call this sort of thing, "Balance". Hmmmm.
:: Man, another death by Caltrain. Three suicides. Three accidents. Commuting kills.
That 'significant obstruction' was/is a human being.
This is the
I know. I'm sounding incredibly morbid. It's unlike me. But this sort of thing is makes me feel incredible mortal. It makes me stop and wonder about the level of pain one would have to endure before they did this. Was it the loss of love? Did the future seem doomed? Futile? I can't quite grip it, but I don't want to judge.
I've been having a few health 'issues' lately. Nothing big, just stuff that, if ignored, could potentially slow me down. But I haven't slowed down to take care of them. I put work and my ideas of changing the world ahead of personal health and home too often. So, I finally made an appointment to look into everything and this weekend, instead of working through, Chris and I are taking Tad to the Exploratorium.
This morning's train suicide announcement just gives me that extra impetus to remember that no matter what issues I'm facing (deadlines looming, mucked up UI, bad reviews, registration numbers, needing to push back another meeting, etc.), there is a bigger picture here that is a helluva lot more important than anything I can get myself all stressed out over in my day-to-day work.
This, of course, doesn't mean that I stop caring about my work...just that I start prioritizing health and home a little more because it IS significant. I think there may even be some kooky people out there that call this sort of thing, "Balance". Hmmmm.
:: Man, another death by Caltrain. Three suicides. Three accidents. Commuting kills.
[tags: personal, wakeupcall, caltrain]
10 Comments:
30 years from now Tara, you may remember this post, and marvel at how much wisdom you had in your youth (on occasion, at least).
Enjoy the buzz of Web 2.0...but worship those you love and those who love you.
I rode Caltrain every day for four or five years, and the number of suicides was scary. One day we were stopped at California Avenue, waiting, so a bunch of us got off and started riding our bikes. We came to the scene, and there was literally nothing left of the man who'd jumped in front of an express train at Castro. If you wanna die that badly, a train is the most effective way possible. Sad though.
Only the fifth incident this year? Bombay's suburban trains kill an average ten people every single day.
See http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/3528811.stm
10 casualties per six million commuters daily is a 0.0001% casualty rate, but it's still ten dead people.
Sad explanation for why there were so many people on the platform at the San Antonio station at 9:35 yesterday. Much worse than I'd imagined to be the cause.
Now put yourself in the place of the train engineer, who will forever have the image just before impact etched in their mind, with nothing they could have done to stop it.
Suicide by train affects a lot more than just the dead person.
In Toronto, when someone jumps in front of a subway train the transit authority announces that there's a delay due to "an incident at track level."
It's sad that people feel that they have to do this, though.
Tara, you might enjoy this story: The Mayonnaise Jar and 2 Cups of Coffee . .
Tara
My wife just went through a number of tests this week to check if a previous cancer was recurring and it did reset my order of priorities very quickly.
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I'm glad to hear you're going to attend to that stuff. I've recently learned that health related issues - even "minor" ones, can have serious causes. I blogged a little about this here: http://www.blackbagops.net/?p=31
Good on you for taking time out for yourself, Tara. And these suicides put one thing into perspective: no matter how rotten we think our day is, some poor bugger has it worse. Eventually you get to the guy who has it worst of all—the suicide victim.
I remember having a very bad day in September 2004. Then I found out one of my friends had a car breakdown. And another one had disappeared while travelling in India and her parents were freaked out. And then, a friend’s brother hung himself. All on the same day. I thought I had it bad, but as I followed the chain “down”, I realized I could weather my own crap.
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