The Difference

...having never been a man, I don't know how male friendships function, however, I do know that there are major differences in the way I communicate with my female friends versus my male friends. I thought, for humour's sake (Update: Yay! Amit Gupta helped me fix my table! Thanks Amit! You rock!]:

Me, communicating with my girlfriends.	My girflriends communicating back to me.	Me, communicating with my guyfriends.	My guyfriends communicating back to me.
I can't believe he said that. He totally invalidated my feelings. I feel so stupid.	Sweetie, your feelings are very valid. You are totally allowed to feel that way. C'mon, let's go for a nice glass of wine/movie/nice dinner/etc. where we can talk about it.	I don't know what happened, really. But I just didn't think he was listening to what I needed. Does that sound needy?	Probably. (then onto the next subject)
He's really amazing. He makes me so happy.	That's so wonderful! You totally deserve it. I knew the right one would come along for you. Now, keep your fingers crossed for mine! (to which I will reply, "Of course! You are such an amazing person. Any man would be lucky. The only problem you may have is that none of them are good enough.")	Things are going cool. We're hanging out. Having fun. Stuff.	Cool. (then onto the next subject)
I'd love to go out, but I'm totally broke right now.	Don't worry about it. Get me back the next time.	I'd love to go out, but I'm totally broke right now.	Alright. Talk to you soon.
I'm so stressed out at work. I'm working super long hours and not keeping up with my 'me' time or personal life at all.	You have to take care of yourself first. Set boundaries at work. We should plan something that involves no technology at all just to get your mind off of everything.	I'm so stressed out at work. I'm working super long hours and not keeping up with my 'me' time or personal life at all.	Yeah, well, that's life. Especially in technology.
I don't know. I feel like everyone is going to think I'm a fraud.	Are you kidding? You are brilliant. We all feel that way when we put ourselves out there. It's natural. Just know that. Oh...and remember that you deserve it all!	I don't know. I feel like everyone is going to think I'm a fraud.	Well, maybe you are, then. (laugh laugh) (not so funny)
I feel gross and fat and bloated.	Omigod, shutup. You look gorgeous as usual.	Erm...nothing...suck in my stomache and shift uncomfortably all night	Erm...nothing...maybe "Wanna 'nother beer? (which makes it worse)

Funny thing is that when we get into relationships, those 'boy communication versus girl communication' filters get dropped. Well, they do for me, anyway. I find myself talking to my very male partner as if he is my best girlfriend (although in a slightly different tone, with less "totally"s - I know, it's silly. It is such a release to be girly after spending my days in boyspeak...sigh). Then I wonder why he isn't giving me that "You're amazing! You're beautiful! You're fabulous!" stuff back.

Not that I would ever want to give into the 'boys will be boys' garbage, but, hey, evolution takes time and I have to be cognizant of that. But I'm not too patient, either. (ask Chris)

Mostly I was thinking of this in the context of my upcoming panel appearance at SXSW, Increasing Women's Visibility on the Web: Whose Butt Should We Be Kicking? My fantastic fellow panelists Virginia DeBolt, Jan Kabali, Liz Henry, Ayse Erginer, and I have been having a great discussion via email about what this panel means, what the hell visibility is and what can we do to make it easier for women of future generations to enter and climb in this sphere.

Really, I have no clue. (but I'll offer up my eternal wisdom nonetheless...lol)

I do know, however - as has been highlighted in our discussions - that men and women do communicate very differently. Whether this is inherent, learnt, or whatever, in a broad, sweeping generalization that is mostly true some of the time, we still value very different nuances of communication. Broad paintbrush time...men are more direct and to the point, cutting out all of those flowery bits and that icky feeling stuff...women are more context driven, building stories and feelings and nuances and all of that flowery stuff. We also do a bang-up job of supporting one another through insecure times. Men are more likely to tell you to toughen up. Okay...enough with that.

The point that I am getting to is that ON TOP of the male thing, there is the engineer thing. Egad, if you think some men can be unflinchingly terse, try an engineer! Yikes. It's all cut and dried with those types (sorry, more sweeping generalizations).

So...in an industry like technology, riddled with both men and engineers (sometimes even one and the same person!), you are going to face a fairly harsh and cold lifetime of dialogue.

I mean, take for example, the most recent dismissal of "puff posts" on tech.memeorandum last Sunday. Egad, those posts were pretty 'snarky' alright - those silly human beings expressing hurt and anger and passion and feelings and all of that crazy arse...well, you get what I'm saying.

Discussion that isn't warranted 'tech' on tech.memeorandum does have a place. Really. Its the human stories and the passions and the struggles behind the technology that makes it interesting. I just watched Seth Godin's speech to Google, guess what he said? Yep. It wasn't just the technology that built Google, it was all of that silly, gooey, fluffy stuff around it. I believe him, too.

This valley is getting more interesting with every woman and non-engineer (some of these are the same people, too!) that sets foot in it. I maintain that the apps are getting girlier (c'mon, who agrees with me that AJAX is a very feminine programming language...sheesh...it only has a masculine name because it's a bit of a tomboy). I think what we need to start kicking some butt around here is to:

• Get more women in the sandbox
  
• which means that we'll have to make the sandbox more pallatable
  
• which takes more women
  

Egad, that's a vicious circle of futility! Well, no it is not. It's a ripe and ready industry and, I think, the most perfect place in the world for women...with some minor renovations. ;)

So, what's the difference between girls and boys? Well...GOBS. But I think that a whole spectrum of communication, styles, stuff and crap are needed to build a really amazing world that I want to live in.

Now, if you excuse me, I totally have to go watch a chick flick...one of my faves Ever After...sniff...Drew Barrymore so rocks. ;)